The reason the “Cars” movies have gained so much popularity is becuase the cars speak to one another. You don’t get that with real life cars
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therapist: you’re overthinking
me: what if-
therapist: don’t
me: WHAT IF
therapist:
me: what if everyone else is underthinking
I always cry at weddings, but only because being that close to large cakes makes me so happy.
No thanks, body wraps. If I believed magic would make me thinner, I’d eat a wizard.
telling all stories about twitter 2.0
#RIPTwitter #TwitterMigration #twitter2.0 #TwitterIsDead
*driving away from a heist*
guys seriously put your seatbelts on it’s just gonna keep beeping
Can you imagine if therapists did an end-of-year wrapped list like:
-cried 79 times
-picked up 5 new coping mechanisms
-made 43 jokes about your trauma
Pros and cons of doing something you love:
Pros: It’s something you love
Cons: Doing.
if ur getting chased by a bunch of drunk 90’s kids just yell out “in west Philadelphia born & raised” then u got like 2 min to run
“to my son, i leave my bathroom scale” the lawyer sighs “because where theres a will, theres a weigh. to my wife, i leave my last high five”
me: just tell me I don’t die in an Arby’s bathroom stall
Death: [sadly looking up from his book] look, what matters is how you lived
My husband was just looking at me like I’m some kind of super hero and all I said was, “yes, we do have onion for the burgers.”.
cop: [making list of animals that escaped]
zookeeper: “the tigers should be your top priority”
cop: [scribbling out ducks] “obviously”
You gotta ask people nowadays, are you single single, mad at your partner single, blocked single or single just in your head!!
*sends love letter to boyfriend*
*awaits his reply by mailbox everyday*
*receives text with 👍*
*writes letter to IRS about his tax evasion*
ON PHONE WITH MY MOM
HER: You still single and living with your stray cat family?
ME: *proudly* No I am not!
*high fives my pet penguin
My boyfriend is being so nice to me since I showed him how easy it was to remove blood from carpeting…
Turns out the button on the elevator with the fireman’s hat on it is not the button for a free fireman’s hat.
It would be easier if they just reported which parts of the globe aren’t on fire and don’t have hurricanes.
[party]
ME: You’re out of shrimp.
HOST: That was fast. I’ll get more.
BF: Where are your manners?
ME: Under the heap of shrimp in my purse.
My kid is playing Santa and told me to pretend to sleep, and I’m just glad he finally came up with a game I can win
Buzzfeed writer wanted. Must love current events, pop culture and have a Bachelor’s degree and a history of head injuries.
I bring our baby to the bar so I can throw her at people and slurp down their cocktails while they’re trying to catch her.
If I see under 30s getting married, I want to kiss them for their optimism and punch them for their stupidity.
GUY: Your logic is flawed. According to experts-
ME: Excuse me, but I practiced this argument in my head & you’re saying the wrong things
not to get all political on here but i’m pretty sure strawberry and blueberry pop-tarts taste exactly the same.
[Valentine’s Day]
Husband: These Reese’s hearts look weird. And why aren’t they wrapped?
Me: *flashback to carefully reshaping half-price Reese’s pumpkins into hearts* I guess they come like that now?
Waiter: Ready to order?
Friend: I’ll have the quinoa and grilled tofu lettuce wrap.
Me: I’ll take the MSG platter with a side of gluten.
anyone know what happened at the 2nd noel?
woops did i leave both of my bowling trophies in my hands during sex again that’s embarrassing
What idiot called it blood spatter instead of axe body spray