I bought new running shoes. They look really good while I sit outside and smoke
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2-year-old: *stares at a pregnant lady in church*
Me: She has a baby in her tummy.
2: *whispering* She ate it.
“No more screen-time! Don’t worry about other people think of you! No snacks before dinner! Clean up this mess immediately!”
Me, parenting, while I scroll my phone to see if people liked my posts while eating Cheetos in my dirty kitchen.
There’s no I in team but there is an I in marriage. There’s also ME, AA and RAGE.
You know what cats don’t like? Blow dryers.
You know what’s funny? Pointing your blow dryer at your cat.
Anyway, I lost an eye today.
Butterflies have 1,200 eyes. That means they spend 7 months taking out their contacts every night.
you can lose weight eating chips and salsa if you keep the chips and salsa a mile apart
“I think this cereal has gone bad.” *me drunk, eating Meow Mix*
Remember when the internet didn’t exist and we kept all this stupidness in our heads?
Good times.
Succinctly put.
I’m just a mom, standing in front of my husband, trying to say something that I can no longer remember cause my kid interrupted us 75 times.
The fact that Zillow isn’t a pillow company is a goddamn tragedy, it’s a pillow plus zzz!
judge: do you swear to tell the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth
me: no
judge: [covers mic] what do I do
Don’t ask a pregnant lady “do you know the sex?” obviously she knows about sex she’s pregnant you stupid idiot
All right stop, coagulate and thicken
In Good Will Hunting, Ben Affleck goes to Matt Damon’s house every day but secretly hopes he isn’t there. I have a similar thing with one of my friends. Whenever I go to his house, I secretly hope Matt Damon isn’t there.
I want to be the lady in the neighborhood that makes her neighbors slightly nervous…
“Did you see she bought a blowtorch the other day.”
“She told me she was going to paint a mural on the side of her house.”
First date idea: you rescue me out of the tree I got stuck in while looking through your windows.
A French press is when you hug naked
A good lawyer knows the law. A great lawyer knows the Judge.
Why do they call it shopping for new countertops and not taking me for granite send tweet
Schrödinger: you see, there’s no way of knowing if the cat is alive or dead
Box: *violently shakes and hisses*
Schrödinger: … it’s a paradox
Box: *screeches threateningly*
An easy way to know if your house is haunted is to bake a cake that says “for ghost” and see if anything takes it
Marianne Williamson is incredible. She said at her only debate that her first act as president would be to tell New Zealand they ain’t shit
Meanwhile, at the bar:
Batman: “Whisky.”
Aquaman: “Appletini.”
“WHAT?”
“It’s vodka, apple schnapps…”
“You’re off the Justice League.”
Apparently “What inning is it?” is not a valid Football related question. Sports are hard.
You could replace the zombies on Walking Dead with huggers and it’d be the same scary show.
Me: Can you describe the suspect?
Him: He was heavily armed
Me *writing octopus* this is bad
Nice try, NASA
At what age do kids learn to close doors after they’ve walked through them? I think it might be 29.
7yo: You can’t say that, you’ll go to hell and turn into a devil!
4yo: And I will still be cooler than you!