media CEO: we’re doing a series on salary transparency!
same media CEO: wait no stop asking about mine
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I exercised for a whole hour and a half. It wasn’t all on the same day but still
If you listen carefully you can hear the sound of raindrops sighing. Really, you can hear almost anything if you’re high enough.
Respect
I make all guests at my house leave their phones at the door just because I know they’ll leave quicker that way.
“Open your gift”
A ‘non-stick’ frying pan?
“You don’t like it?”
Non-stick? [smashes rest of gifts] YOU KNOW HOW MUCH I LOVE STICKS BRENDA
I been working on my summer bod: it the same as my regular body, but this time more popsackles in it.
[Psychiatrist’s Office]
ME: So do I just lie on the couch over here?
PSYCHIATRIST: Actually this works much better if you tell the truth.
Like a kite stuck in a tree, I too am stuck in a tree
So, showing you my sweet excel spreadsheet formulas ISN’T foreplay? I really don’t know what to do with that information.
80% of my day is spent saying “dishwasher” after I hear a kid throw dishes into the sink.
Every time I put on my striped socks I always have an ominous feeling that today is the day that a house will drop on me.
I get very stressed out when characters in movies are told a rapid-fire list of things to do and don’t write it down.
[Starbucks]
ME: [bursts in] THERE’S A GUNMAN AT LARGEBARISTA: [shrugs]
ME: [sigh] THERE’S A GUNMAN AT VENTI
B: *grande screaming noises*
You can drink screwdrivers and get hammered while watching Saw and hoping you get nailed. The English language is fun
[couples therapy]
Me: And then he used a metal spatula on my brand new non-stick pan!
Therapist: *gasps* You’re a monster.
FRIEND: Wow you have bought A LOT of frozen food
ME: I like to plan ahead
FRIEND: But you haven’t got a freezer
ME: I’m a terrible planner
[at a dinner party]
Me: hey can I get a picture of the table?
Everyone: *leans in, faces me, smiles*
Me: you’re all blocking the table
My Uber driver was acting shady and I told him I’m not in the mood to kidnapped he said okay 😭😭😭
Shenanigans are the females of the nanigan species.
If you’re wondering whether an orchid can survive a spin in the washing machine, my 2yo can now tell you it can’t.
[karate class]
Sensei: break this board with your hands
Me: why can’t I use an axe?
Sensei: because I hate you
I find it funny when an actor starts off a movie doing an accent and then it mysteriously disappears like their paycheck just cleared
NEIGHBOR: What’s up?
ME {stacking crates}: I’ve enough donuts to last a month
NEIGHBOR: So all ready for the hurricane?
ME: The what now?
My self help-seminar, “Stop Blaming Others” canceled due to my incompetent staff.
Only Christopher Walken can get away with saying stuff like you wanted to chance at the dance but you forgot your pants.
Therapist: You need to stop doing weird things, going out might help
Me: I went to the park today
Therapist: There you go! I hope you got something from that
Me *opens coat* this duck
what I look like when I sleep with my mouth open
me: Why is Spider Man in the freezer?
7 year old: He knows why
I had a few too many beers at an art exhibition and threw up all over the floor. Someone offered me three grand for it.
Hot Dads in ur Area Are Disappointed in ur Browser History Especially the One ur Watching Right Now With Midgets Dressed Like Dinosaurs