*fashions codpiece out of grilled cheese sandwich*
Wife: it’s still NO!
You Might Also Like
7: dad can you help me with this math problem
me: sure
me: [sees it] nope.
The math problem:
Some days you’re the Titanic, some days you’re the iceberg, and some days you’re the guy who jumped off and hit a propeller on the way down.
I don’t think my car can fly
You’re like a first job.
No one likes you but at least you’re a learning experience.
ME: Hi I’d like to apply for a job as a contortionist
“When can you come in for an interview?”
ME: I’m flexible
When children vomit, sometimes it sounds like they’re saying the names of Ikea furniture.
Me: HALLOWEEN!!!
Ween: Hallo!
The instructions for this tent is just a picture of a husband yelling at his wife, that’s weird.
*aliens return to ship*
ALIEN LEADER: Where are the humans?
“We left them”
AL: Why?
“They didn’t look anything like their selfies in rl”
Where’s a careening bus when you need it?
My kids love taking turns. For example, they take turns pushing down the garbage so neither one of them has to take it out.
Hey Joe, don’t think we can use this ad.
Why not? We’re roofers.
Yes, but “Hot shingles in your area looking to get nailed” seems extreme.
I neither like nor want to date Taylor Swift, but I know at some point it’ll just be my turn.
Me: *gets up to go pee*
My dog: *snaps awake from a dead sleep* FOLLOW YOU INTO THE BATHROOM & KEEP WATCH, GOT IT!
dad: what should we name him
mom: something beautiful
dad: something unique
mom: any ideas
dad: matt
mom: ok
I wish I’d gotten my affairs in order before I bit into this hot pepper.
my physical therapist told me to do yoga in the cold to get rid of my pain. she called it frozen yog-hurt
Surgeon: I’ll be taking out your appendix today
Me: [stomach rumbles]
Surgeon: [puts stethoscope to my tummy]
Appendix: I have a boyfriend
a•c•q•u•a•i•n•t•a•n•c•e•s (tv show, sitcom): six peopel avoid grabbing a cup of coffee together for 10 years
That scene in Home Alone where they count their kids but this time there’s one extra, so they sacrifice him
[moments after time traveling to 1863]
LINCOLN: four score & seven years ago
ME: [behind a tree] JUST SAY IT NORMAL
(hours before leaving on a road trip)
You know what, let’s give ourselves an entire makeover.
Coaching softball is wild because you get to call timeouts to teach valuable life lessons or sometimes just because your pitcher lost her tooth and she needs you to hold it for the Tooth Fairy.
wife: don’t eat that, u know it won’t agree with u
me: yes it will
taco: no I won’t
toddler: Lets go get a cake
wife: Why?
toddler: It’s somebody’s birthday somewhere
me *grabbing my keys* Can’t argue with that
Giving up my job to start a new career as a Minecraft YouTuber purely in an attempt to grab my kid’s attention long enough to find out what snack she wants.
Breaking News. Apple is to buy Ireland to solve the debt problem. It will be rebranded iLand
Stop letting your dogs piss on fire hydrants. Some of us use those for parkour.
therapist: how have you been coping with everything
me: with sarcasm mostly
therapist: has that been working
me: yeah it’s been super great
Grey’s Anatomy is actually one of the best existential horror artworks ever made. It chronicles the 20 year desperation of a single woman – Miranda Bailey – to get her coworkers to stop ***king and killing themselves for long enough to save anyone’s life. She never wins.