Ate half my sandwich prolly save the other half for later
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Me: *changes channel* *changes channel*
Pet hermit crab: no wait go back
Announcer: welcome to house hunters
[ground control to major tom] so like, what time is it in space right now?
Nietzsche: God is dead
God: Nietzsche is dead
[they both turn to camera]
THAT’S RIGHT, WE’RE DEAD SERIOUS ABOUT OUR MATTRESS PRICES
I really haven’t been feeling well since last night..here’s me and the hubby’s convo..
H- you’d better get to a doctor
Me: It hasn’t even been a full day
H: what? It’s been two days
Me: how do you figure?
H: today and yesterday
Me:
If covid gave people face sores like monkeypox does, this pandemic would have been over on May 1, 2020.
I wonder if Sallys parents were like “Yeah great idea Sally. Sell seashells. On the seashore. Where there are tons of free shells. Idiot.”
My teens cleaned their rooms & according to my sink & countertops, they’ve been hoarding my whole kitchen.
Shirts that say SWAG and YOLO for sale at Walmart. Because dressing like an idiot should be affordable.
On my flight today I woke up from a nap & an attendant was walking down the aisle holding a pug, saying “we found this pug. Whose pug is this??” And for 3 hours we all just took turns holding the mystery pug until a verrrry stoned man in the last row woke up & was like “Roscoe?!”
Q: “And onto the final gadget for your mission.”
James Bond: “What is it? Some sort of balloon weapon?”
Q: “It’s a condom, James. A condom.”
Hey starbucks I’m not using your made up language give me a medium beanwater
5: how many numbers do you love me?
Me: awww I can’t even count how much I love you cause I love you soooo much
5: aw I love you 24
If “live each day as if it’s your last” means being paralyzed with anxiety and a sense of impending doom then I am absolutely nailing it
Worst part of my old job was drug screenings. Had to tell a guy he was pregnant. Lesson: don’t use your girlfriend’s urine for testing.
Could you imagine being the Secret Service agent that blocked a bullet for Donald Trump, 20 years later? You wouldn’t tell anyone.
Fine I’ll bite, what’s this sex thing everyone keeps talking about?
Funny how airport security always “randomly” chooses me for physical checking. Even when I’m not even at the airport and chilling at home.
If your neighbor has wind chimes, you have wind chimes.
Me: It’s so nice to be wearing a shirt that fits and isn’t stained.
Toothpaste: Hi
My office has started random urine testing of employees to detect traces of hope or optimism.
[me as an uber driver]
yeah I have a degree but this way I can also make crying in my car profitable
Always wrinkle-check your t-shirts
I can point out chicks who say “vokka” and “liberry” instead of “vodka” and “library” based on the use of emoticons in their screen name.
Changing my name to ‘free unlimited high-speed wifi’ so everyone will love me.
Me: If there was a fire and you could only save me or the cat, who would you save?
Her:
Me:
Her: I feel like you’ve had a good run.
My neighbor gave me $50 to get my squeaking door fixed because he couldn’t stand it anymore… and so begins my life as a sugar baby
Blowing kisses to my coworkers so that nobody talks to me today
Premarital counseling should be having the couple put together IKEA furniture with limited Wi-Fi connection. #weddingparty #romance
When I die, throw me on Mt. Everest so it looks like I was trying to do something.
Doctors who give out lollipops really treat their patients