they say plastic straws are ruining the ocean, so i’ve started throwing mine in the garbage instead
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I hung a picture of my paycheck on my front door to keep all the solicitors away.
I carry around a fog machine so I can make a dramatic entrance every time I enter a room.
Although we’ve been together for 30+ years, my wife discovered only yesterday that I actually do quite a passable Charles impersonation.
It’s completely revolutionised our lovemaking, I tell you.
DATE: you smell so nice – what are you wearing?
ME: Febreeze
Toy stores should spread the toys out on the floor so you can see them in their natural state and practice stepping on them.
They say you’ll never forget your first kiss, but what they don’t tell you is you will also never forget the first time you throw up everything you consumed at the state fair.
Reporter: Tell me about him
Neighbor: He was so nice, sweet, friendly, funny
R: Do you think he killed those people?
N: Oh, yeah absolutely.
2yo: daddy play with me!
Me: okay!!
2yo: *points* sit right here.
Me: okay.
2yo: NO DADDY DON’T SIT THERE!
Me: okay.
2yo: DON’T SAY OKAY!
Me: okayyyyyyy.
i’ll never forget when I was in the 3rd grade and my teacher asked us to draw our favorite season and I drew salt
The greatest trick the devil ever played
was offering a buy one get one free sale one day after you already purchased two at regular price.
Put your right leg in, Put your right leg in, Put your right leg in, Put your right leg in, Put your right leg out, Put
-spider hokey pokey
I’m the hottest thing these people at the cataract surgery center have ever seen.
This woman at Whole Foods is choosing a bundle of asparagus more carefully than I chose my husband.
How confused about the world are you right now, on a scale of 0 to “trying to figure out a friend’s shower”
me: no shoes in the house
murderer: sorry
ME: u know what they say, drink with one eye open
WIFE: they don’t say that, you’re drunk
ME: *closes other eye* it is very dark in here
Tell me your dreams and fantasies!
Mine is seeing Deadpool and Freddy Krueger pillow fight.
STOP GIVING UR PETS HUMAN NAMES !! NO I DONT WANNA PET KEITH !!!
Mom: Aww she is having so much fun!
Child (blowing bubbles and popping them): I CREATE AND DESTROY. I AM A GOD.
My pre-nup will indicate that I’m allowed to unplug your life support system should my phone need charging.
This is exactly how that old gypsy lady said I was going to die.
I’ve had 3 men proclaim their love for me since the Coronavirus hit, so how’s your quarantine going?
*6 hours of Russian roulette*
Me: “I think I forgot to load a bullet in this gun.”
they should invent a rest for the wicked
If video games have taught me anything, it’s that you’ll automatically get promoted if you kill your boss
Just signed husband up on eharmony.
Now we wait.
(telling a ghost story)
You know those knocking noises you hear at night? That’s adulthood coming for you!*all the adults start screaming*
I like to go camping so I can come home with a renewed appreciation for my house.
Me: [stands under majestic tree watching leaves fall] This is beautiful
[2 hours later buried under a mountain of leaves] you piece of shit
I have watched this 10 times already she is so good!!!