learn just enough tap dancing just to tap dance out of the room when you win an argument
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me: everything is the same, but when the bread is done it pops out a little more so that you can grab it without burning your hand
toaster company ceo: I still don’t get it
I’m the guy that slams on his horn in traffic and fake looks behind me to see who’s doing it.
ME: (peeing in the corner of the elevator)
GUY: We’re not even stuck.
T-REX: listen up pal
AL: my name is al
PTERODACTYL: that’s what he said
Mom, remember we used to eat donuts?
-my 3 yo, 1 hour after eating a donut
[bank]
Robber: EVERYONE GET DOWN!
Me: [crying] my wife left & my kids think I’m a joke
Robber: No I mean-
Robber2: Wait! Let him finish
what it’s like dating me:
“Alexa, negotiate brexit.”
Me: I wonder what the wicked witch’s name is.
7: Ding Dong.
Me: What?
7: The song says, Ding Dong the Witch is dead.
Me: Oh. My. God. 😂
Dentist: Any sensitivities?
Me: I don’t like being called names
Dentist: I meant your teeth, dummy
Me: *tearing up* Dude
*shoots self in the foot and screams in agony for 20 seconds*
*hits ‘stop recording’ on outgoing voicemail message*
OMG the land line just rang
OMG we still have a land line
before 2018 ends, I’d like to apologize to the guy who parked too close to me at the Family Dollar. Sorry for leaving that note on your car, I did not mean those things I wrote about your mother
2nd month dating: A thousand lifetimes with you would not be enough.
2nd month of marriage: OMG you are the loudest cereal chewer on earth!
my proudest tweet
“Some say I have a drinking problem”
*pours glass of water on lap*
don’t let your artist friends wander off by themselves. you never know what they’ll agree to
[speaking at an AA meeting]
Me: You’ll find the transition from hard liquor to hard drugs expensive, but very rewarding
*everyone cheers*
person: calm down
me: *calm immediately goes up*
ok, hypothetically, if I stop to smell the roses, will I have to bend down to smell the roses or are these roses already at nose height
Parents out there naming their kids things like, Montana and Carolina and Dakota, but you never see anyone with the balls to name their kid, Idaho.
“Daddy will u tuck me in?:)”
“Ok”
*tucks him in*
“Daddy sing me a song:)”
“Ok”
*clears throat*
LET THE BODIES HIT THE FLOOR LET THE BODIES H
I’m getting really irritated. This is the tenth ATM I’ve been to in the last week that’s had “insufficient funds”.
‘It’s ok, I’m from the internet’, I whisper from under your bed as you call the police.
[Garden of Eden]
Adam: [petting the first dog] I’m gonna call you Man’s best friend
Eve: I thought I was your best friend?
Adam: I love you
Eve: aww I love you too
Adam: oh…I was still talking to the dog
You never really forget how to misquote sayings. It’s like buying a bicycle
*Listening to red hot chili peppers*
Me: You call that music? I can’t even hear anything!
Worker: Sir, stop putting produce to your ear.
When I’m mad at my dog, I watch dog shows on Animal Planet and ignore him.
When I was 8 yrs old, I walked to school by myself; now you have to hold your kid’s hand right up to their first drug deal.
Sorry to interrupt your party, but I’m a little drunk and need to do the worm across your living room floor.