Bought a chicken to make sandwiches. It doesn’t. It shits on the floor.
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I was not prepared for the back-to-school chaos this morning. “GRAB YOUR LUNCHES AND GET OUT OF MY HOUSE!” was something I said. Along with, “Have a great first day sweethearts! I will miss you so much!” Being one of my kids must be so confusing. Mommy loves you but please go.
(Job interview)
“How would you describe yourself?”
I’m very vague
“Ok, can you be more specific?”
No
What doesn’t kill you makes you come up with stupid clichés.
What happens when you wear flowy sleeves? They get caught on every doorknob you walk past.
CHRISTMAS FAIL: My son came into my toolshed to say goodnight & saw the box to the radio controlled monster truck Santa got him. I panicked & said I liked his so much I bought myself one and was charging it so we could race in the morning. Now I’m off to Target to buy another one
professor x: what’s your power
me: time travel and a full head of hair lol
professor x: get out
[5 seconds later]
professor x: what’s your power
me, wearing a hat: time travel
Hey girl, are you an extraterrestrial? ‘Cause your husband’s out here acting like you don’t exist.
Whenever my “advanced placement” tween gets too brain cocky I like to remind her that I’ve had to pull a jellybean out of her nostril not once, not twice, but 3 times
dentist: when did you last floss?
me: just last week
dentist: you know i went to school for this, right? i can see that’s not true
me: sorry, i meant yesterday
dentist: what?
me: i mean i’m flossing right now
dentist:
me: ow my gums, they hurt exactly the normal amount
Wife: no bird puns this year at Thanksgiving
Me: fine but I get to do some now.
Wife: owl allow it.
Me: wait-what are you doing?
Wife: toucan play this game.
Me: I don’t like this.
My problem with the 15 minute city is what are you supposed to do with the rest of the day?
[three days after inventing phone]
*rrrrrriiiiiiiiinnggggg*
Alexander Graham Bell: oh ffs
My head feels like something Picasso would have drawn.
On second thought, it was probably a bad idea to start my freestyle rap with “I like oranges.”
Please keep my 6 year old in your prayers, his sister is copying him.
Hey ghosts, if you can fog up a mirror you can pick up a broom.
I am going to the Antique Roadshow. Gonna slap my tampon on the table and ask them what period it’s from.
Saw a grown man riding down the street on a BMX.
I yelled what does BMX stand for?
He replied “DUI”.
Me: Well, this calls for a celebration *cracks open beer*
Wife: …you took out the trash
Just once I want to see a new parent post a baby photo on Facebook with the words: “Still not sure if we like it, tbh.”
Parenting is a lot like a home improvement project. Right after the “This isn’t so bad” phase comes the “I should call someone who knows what they’re doing” phase.
This is deadly serious:
Talking about corona-virus this morning, Trump said, “We closed it down. We stopped it.”
There were 15 confirmed cases in the US a week ago.
There are 233 today.
There will be *5,000* in a week
TRUMP’S INCOMPETENCE KILLS.
INTERVIEWER:How good are your public speaking skills?
ME:*from behind a tall plant in the office, I throw a piece of paper saying ‘Decent’*
My daughter just asked me how to spell bourbon so she’s either asking Santa to hook up her old man or writing a letter to child services.
Elevator sex is a logistical nightmare on many levels.
Everyone’s a gangster until they have to roll forward while sitting in an office chair.
I’m never quite sure when to lean in for a kiss after a job interview.
if you’ve ever wanted to know what a violent mugging feels like, i’d highly recommend inviting my friends & their 2 toddlers over for dinner one night.
I’m woman enough to admit when you’re wrong
Had some boneless watermelon for dinner and it was delicious.