i bring a card table with me where I go for thanksgiving in case the host’s furniture is too heavy to flip
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When the hostess at the restaurant says “table for two?”, I always like to look surprised and whisper “you can see her too?”.
[movie studio in the 2010s]
“This script stars The Rock as-”
Studio: WE’LL MAKE IT
Guys, if she says “well that’s entirely up to you”… it really isn’t.
[man who won the lottery]: here’s why i think buying lottery tickets is the future of finance 👇🧵
Somewhere a village is missing its idiot.
I guess what I’m trying to say is, I can’t remember where I live.
My wife said to me: “If you won the lottery, would you still love me?” I said: “Of course I would. I’d miss you, but I’d still love you.”
Today I’m golfing.
Thoughts and prayers for nearby homeowners.
Laughter is like a face orgasm. If he can give me that, he earned an audition for giving me an actual orgasm.
Just got to our Airbnb!
[Enters baby room late at night]
*flicks switch*
[baby’s got a raccoon in a headlock]
“What the-”
DAD CLOSE THE DOOR THIS PUNK OWES ME MONEY
I don’t think either person should pay for the first date. It should be on the house
[Throwing change in a well]
Me: I wish you well.
Well: I already am a well.
hey boy 😉 is that a gun in your pocket or are you just pleased to see m- oh, it is a gu- yes i will open the cash register
[homeless guy walks up to me at the park]
“what are you doing inside my house?”
confession: my gang’s nicknames are all just hot sauce brands
If he’s a nice guy and treats you well, does it really matter what colour his Maserati is?
Flock of bats
Girlfriend: I’m breaking up with you, it’s the way you have to make everything into a joke. I can’t do it any more, I’m just too tired
Me: *sadly* like a bicycle?
Ex Girlfriend:…
Tim Burton: I have a movie to pitch
Exec: oh boy here we go
Tim Burton: it’s a love story
Exec: go on
Tim Burton: about two people from different parts of town
Exec: sounds pretty cute actually
Tim Burton: oh and he’s super emo and has scissors for hands
Exec: there it is
M: so I’ve been thinking
*all of the light bulbs in the house shatter*
*at the vet*
me: my new cat won’t stop hissing
vet: ma’am this is a cockroach
me: oh crap. that pet store ripped me off
GF: You cant keep it.
ME: But-
G: Its a BEE.
M: HES my FRIEND!
G: Hand him over.
M: No! [tearing up] I wont let you hurt Albuzz Bumbledore!
“even if my client did kill his wife, think of the 7.4 billion people he DIDN’T kill.”
– my first and last day as a defense attorney
“OH MY GOD YOU’RE A DOG HEY SMELL ME I’M A DOG TOO” – dogs
angel: so what are plants gonna eat, since they can’t move to find food?
god: *blows massive line* they’ll eat the sun
Do cannibals just upload a bunch of pictures of their friends on Instagram?
no one:
coworker at a part time job you’ve known for one calendar day: so remember when I told you about that guy I’ve been texting Brian well anyway I hooked up with his roommate just to see what he’d do and lemme just read you this text I got from him just now ok so he goes,
“Son, would you like to go to college some day, or would you like to keep ordering guac? Your choice.”
the answer was staring at me all along
technically you can breathe anything just not very long for some things