when i was a kid we didn’t play house. we played courtroom. and let me tell you, i sent my fair share of teddy bears to the electric chair
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My kids devour food so quickly that my fridge has been broken for two months and nobody realized.
I don’t really hate you, it’s just that if you were on fire, I’d roast marshmallows..
when I say “I want a boyfriend” I mean that I want to magically wake up one day in a peaceful and balanced 5 year relationship, not that I want to date or meet people or put in the effort towards making it a tangible reality
If you just hang in there life gets really good by episode 4000
“Wanna feel old..?”
No. Next question.
If there’s a zombie apocalypse and you see one zombie taking a nap, that will be me
Should have let Marvel produce 2020.
[Being kidnapped]
Me: i can feel it.. Stockholm syndrome
kidnapper: its been 10 minutes
me: should we invite your brother to the wedding?
I feel like I’ve been drinking water since the day I was born. When does it end? Like get over it blood I’ve given you plenty
A good anvil is very expensive. It would be great if they fell out of the sky once in a while.
ME {waking from 250 years of cryogenic stasis}: Wh…where am I?
FUTURE-COP: You managed to survive into the distant future, where shitty jokes are punishable by death
ME: Sounds like a bunch of updog to me
FUTURE-COP: W-
It’s like my racist grandpa used to say: “Good morning.”
That unrepentant bigot had many flaws, but cordial salutations wasn’t one of them.
Boating season is upon us.
BOSS: due to the virus we need everybody to work from home
ME: please, i have a family
How come nobody’s made an anti-depressant called “Les Miserables”?
Hi, childless people. I just meticulously peeled the skin off a pickle. Cuz the pickle was “bumpy.”
Enjoy your day. Not de-bumping pickles.
What I said: No you cannot take a stuffie on your field trip today.
What my kid heard: Sure, but take one of your brother’s in case you lose it.
*road trip*
husband, day 1: absolutely no eating in the car
husband, day 4: *handing brisket to the kids in the backseat*
A relationship is like a shark, it looks better on TV
87.5% of marriage is just marriag.
no caffeine: day 6
-sleeping better
-stable moods
-less anxious
-can’t think straight
-i’m exhausted
-3 people are dead
[texting]
her: 🍆+🍑
me: *shows up with eggplant parmesan and peach pie*
her: YES!!!!
First of all the thin slices you eat to straighten up the cake don’t count
Hey Ben Carson, at this point in your craziness? Just say you’re Iron Man. What could it hurt?
*people on Wheel of Fortune
“I enjoy skiing & doing crosswords”It’s never
“I like hamburgers & threesomes”
I didn’t even know Canada existed until Twitter.
I hope someday they make tombstones that have a short repetitive video of the deceased person, so that my last words can be “I’ll be back in a gif!”
*Asteroid is hurtling toward Earth*
ESPN Broadcaster: This asteroid could have an enormous impact on the playoffs.
[Bookstore]
Me: *hands over Tangled coloring book*
Cashier: How old is your daughter?
Me: [sweating nervously] Of course it is
even the youngest member of The Breakfast Club is now 53, so it’s less ‘don’t you forget about me’ and more ‘I don’t remember why I came into the room’