“Bad actors” is a wild term because it could mean when the government is doing war crimes but it could also just mean Jared Leto
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[on phone with mom]
SHE SAID YES!!!!
“congrats, son”
I asked her if she thought I was weird
“Wait what?”
She thinks I’m weird. We broke up
God grant me the audacity of my 7 year old who lost a tooth this morning and then asked me if the tooth fairy would give her a tenner because she yanked it out herself.
Therapist: were you bullied in school?
Me: no
Therapist: oh, did you have a different haircut in school?
Biden: Trump’s sons were nice
Obama: Considering you called them the Menendez brothers all day
B: Uday and Qusay?
[learning to ride a motorcycle]
INSTRUCTOR: Again I need to ask whoever it is making the “vroom vroom” sounds with their mouth to knock it off.
ah, yes. the elusive llamarshmallow.
The forest creatures begin stampeding.
You turn to me, clearly scared.
“We have no reason to fear the animals,” I reassure you.
You smile nervously. “Thank go—”
“Worry about whatever’s spooking them.”
I’m so over sweating. I’m putting a pin in sweating for the next two months. We can circle back on sweating in September.
#merica
Raccoons use their hands more than any animal, so they’re basically the Italians of nature.
Demi Lovato? Isn’t that one of those tiny coffee cups?
Remember to horrify your friends and family by testing out your tweets on Facebook today
If I was a sushi chef I’d wear divers gear so people knew it was fresh.
cop: you were driving 30 mph under the speed limit
me: my in-laws are staying with us for a while, longer the commute the better
cop: you need to maintain the speed limit
me: *knocks book out of cops hands*
cop: are you trying to get arrested
me: yes please
I don’t care if it’s immature or not, I’m pausing my age until this bullshit is over.
Waiter, Waiter, will my pizza be long?
No sir, it will be round.
#WaiterJokes #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
I wish I knew how to fix America like everyone else on Twitter.
There is nothing like a little tomato soup to soothe the soul, even if it’s cold, over ice, with a celery stalk and vodka.
My ancestors watching me pay $10 for a pint of ice cream
What psycho decided it was a good idea for kids to hunt for chocolate easter eggs right when the spring thaw reveals all the dog poop?
Detective: Where were you on the night of…
Me: Kung Fu fighting. We all were. I saw you there.
“Ok, identify the noun in this sentence. Timmy is stupid.”
Timmy: stupid?
“Exactly”
Dad (92): Please don’t put that <item> there.
Me: Okay. Where would you like me to put it?
Dad: Anywhere you like.
Me: (moves item)
Dad: Not THERE.
[pregnant with first child]
Wife: our daughter is only going to eat organic, non-gmo, non-processed foods and drink volcanic rock filtered water from the island of Atlantis.
[two years later]
Me: our daughter just licked Cheeto crumbs off the floor.
Wife: she’s fine.
my biggest wish is that someday a bunch of people will say wow money really changed her
Sex is a lot like Twin Peaks: I’m not 100% sure what’s going on, but I like it.
[Plays air guitar]
[Dodges air panties]
[wonka factory in 2018]
Charlie: augustus is drowning
Oompa Loompa with a septum piercing: aren’t we all
“WHAT ARE YOU KIDS DOING IN THERE?”
*stomps feet to pretend I’m going towards that room*
Home is where the Wi-Fi is.