Cleaned bathroom sink half hour ago. Then trimmed mustache over sink. Oh … That’s what all those women I lived with were complaining about.
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.@WebMD Should blood basically be cascading out of my nose when I look at the sun ?
clean window: [exists]
toddlers: what’s that taste like
“It’s definitely better without a condom” I say, removing it from my soup
First base: drinks
Second base: hooking up
Third base: consistently hanging out for over 3 months and refusing to call it a relationship because both of you are terrified of commitment and communication
MAR 14: Pi Day
MAR 15: Ides of March
MAR 17: St. Patrick’s DayMAR 16: middle child, left out as usual
What I really love about Air Fresheners is how it makes your bathroom smell like someone just shit in your rose garden…
INTERVIEWER: describe yourself with one adjective
ME: [from left side of room] pendulous
INTERVIEWER: huh?
ME: [from right side of room] you heard me
Just found out men don’t need prostate exams till at least 40. I think my doctor has a lot of explaining to do.
Why isn’t Cindy spelled Sindie? Whoever caid C makes an S cound was ctupid.
boss: you’ve been late 3 times this week, u know what that means
me: it must be Wednesday
Me: why are you not drinking your milk?
3: it’s too cow-ey
13: *walking into room*
Me: (on phone, talking about types of tomato plants) I like big boys. I’ve had good luck with them in the past.
13: *makes horrified face, turns, walks back out*
Wearing polar fleece in the winter gives me a sense of security knowing I can jump start a car with my finger.
Ironic
if you’re ever worried there’s an intruder in your house, shout 69 down the stairs. if no one laughs, there’s no one there
“I’m tired.”
– Beat Cop
[inventing the parrot]
HOW ABOUT LIKE A TYE DYE CHICKEN WHO SCREAMS ACTUAL WORDS AT YOU
“don’t try this at home,” i say to a troop of cub scouts as i demonstrate how to escort an elderly person across the street while carrying a mongoose & a cat who hate each other’s guts
Friend: just be yourself.
Me: Be myself? Be myself?!
Some of the most successful people I know aren’t myself. That’s horrible advice
Yep. Yep. Yep. Yeppity. Yep. Yeppers. Yep.
We’ll see. I don’t know. But, for sure! Maybe.– me receiving an invitation of any kind
You can tell A LOT about a Woman’s mood just by looking at her hands…
…for example…If she’s holding a gun? She’s probably pissed.
waiter: i’m sorry sir, but your card has been declined
me: run it again
waiter: i ran it three times
me: *to my date* omg this is so embarrassing. do you mind taking care of it?
her: no problem! *grabs waiter by the collar and pulls him close* he said run it again
[following girl off elevator] you cant hate snakes and then say u love dragons, because theyre actually extremely similar. in a lot of mytho
Me: I want to be sculpted like a Greek god
Plastic surgeon: We can help with-
Me: *opens mouth* Fill me with cement
Ride your bike to the bar, they said. You’ll never forget how to ride a bike, they said.
Sure, everyone thinks a chubby dude in a diaper shooting people with a bow & arrow is cute until I do it at Starbucks & please send bail.
I have a type: disappointing
I tried to make a batch of rum balls. But now they’re just balls and i’m drunk.
I bought Oreos for my kid’s camp and I have to drive home with them next to me and not eat them. I may not have thought this through completely
13-year-old: Do you know where the cord is to the electric keyboard?
Me, knows exactly where it is: No.