you cannot hurt me. you are not a hip height table corner
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I wore a training bra for years and these things still don’t listen to a word I say
*air horn sound*
*second air horn sound*
Me: “This isn’t deodorant.”
Pie is superior to cake. Nobody makes a cake chart.
My ex husbands Voicemail was a trick one where he’d say “Hello Hello, so you think he’d answered and that’s why he’s dead.
BELLE: Some of the servants aren’t handling the transition from furniture back to human very well.
BEAST: What do you mean?
LUMIÈRE, both hands on fire: Yeah, what do you mean?
My👏spacebar👏is👏broken👏so👏I’m👏using👏the👏clapping👏emoji👏instead👏I’m👏not👏trying👏to👏make👏a👏point
You better pray to whatever god you serve that this email finds you before I do
Dog park man handed me an ice cream and I must’ve looked a bit too excited because he felt the need to clarify it was for the pup not me
Cute girl online: I have no idea how you’re single!
Me: Yeah I don’t know. They’re crazy I guess.
*eats ravioli out of the can with my keys*
Haley: Hey how’s it going
Hayleigh: I’m beighsicalleigh okeigh
Thanks to the rising food prices I’m now on an 80/20 eating plan.
My food intake is 80% ramen and 20% stolen from my neighbor’s DoorDash order.
How crazy is it that we used to say “three and a half inch floppy” with a straight face
Don’t ring my doorbell unless you’re accompanied by a camera crew and holding balloons & a big check.
Rock bottom is bad, but it still beats scissor bottom.
Blizzard after 3 years of Overwatch lore development
Last day of lockdown: I’m going to miss sitting around doing nothing
First day back in work: *sitting around doing nothing
You know what bothers me? When people assume you’re homeless cause you’re asleep on the street and your pants are gone..
horse: is ur name liam
liam neeson: yea?
horse: lol i know u we worked together on a different movie
liam neeson: does anybody else hear this horse talking to me
“The way to a man’s heart is through his stomach.”
– inept cardiovascular surgeons who end up going into gastroenterology
Why don’t they just call pot head janitors ‘ High maintenance ‘ ?
6 more days, guys.. That’s December 26. The day everybody puts their shitty Xmas gifts on Ebay so poor people, like me, can buy them!
7yo: “Who’s singing this?” Me: “Franz Ferdinand.” 7yo: “But, he died in 1914.” Me:
“Move miss, please get out of the way. Please get out of the way, miss. Please get out of the way.”- Ludacris’s cousin, Kurteous
I managed to worm my way into this dancing competition
Kinda crazy how the entire country can watch a hurricane destroy a city in real time now. 100 years ago it was just like, “When was the last time anyone heard from Galveston? Months? Should we send someone to check on that?”
To all my friends who lost weight- I found it
This dressing room attendant would be a lot more helpful if she offered to bring me a drink, instead of a different size.
I brought a glue gun to a knife fight. Those knives aren’t going anywhere.
Of all the things the Internet has lied to me about, the ease and enthusiasm with which a cat will ride a Roomba is the biggest.
20YR OLD ME: awww yeah! a new car!
30YR OLD ME: aww yeah! a new Xbox 360!
40YR OLD ME: aw yeah! a new shower curtain with a mildew-resistant liner!