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So my 6 year old neighbour is like Uncle B do you like fruits
I say yeah I do…
And kid’s like I brought you fruit 💀
Anyway what does one do with an unripe paw paw
*at bar*
Guy, “Do you come here often?”
Me, “I’m a 45 yr old mom of 7. The only place I go often is the grocery store.”
Guy, “I’ll just leave you alone then.”
Me, “Was it something I said?”
When someone tells me to “smile naturally”.
There are two types of people, those who are clueless about their kids’ schedules and the other who plan it down to the minute. And they end up marrying each other
me: how was school?
son: i got in trouble today
me: what for?
son: kung fu fighting
me: wow I’m so disappointed
son: but everybody was doing it
Are you alone? Afraid? Lonely? Then you’d better turn up the TV because I just heard a noise
Awake in the streets,
Asleep in the sheets.Did I do that right? I don’t get it.
I guess someone’s New Year’s resolution was to crop dust me at the grocery store.
Your love is like Vicodin. You take away my pain but make me sick to stomach afterwards and you’re also white.
An alternate Batman origin story where Bruce’s parents are slowly pushed off a ledge by Catwoman.
Stood up by two different men, two days in a row… what’s a girl gotta do to get a quote on a new roof these days.
ME: I’ve expressed this political opinion so clearly, there’s no way anyone could misinterpret it.
THE INTERNET: lmao challenge accepted
a 3 y/o asked if i was an adult yesterday, when i said “yes” he goes “why?” and honestly i don’t have a good answer for it. why am i an adult?? i could be anything?!!
Instead of writing ‘many thanks’ at the end of an email, specify the number of thanks, eg “18 thanks”. The personal touch will be appreciated
[whispers to you at my own funeral] ok don’t freak out
My local spa has an oxygen room, which begs the question: what the heck is in all the other rooms?
Everyone is scared I am going to take their mans, ma’am I got one at home who doesn’t even like me, I do not have special powers
*at bedtime
And in this corner weighing in at 32 pounds is a toddler calling herself the Intimidator. I see she has a “Sleep is for the weak” tattoo on her forearm and has made a strong move refusing pajamas and crying for mommy…
Wait …
“El Chapo” is a Mexican drug lord ….
and not the guy who’s been stealing
our Chapsticks for years ?
My right eye is twitching like it’s at some kind of techno dance party that the rest of me wasn’t invited to.
Food trucks but instead of food it’s therapy and they’re called automofeels
do mermaids get waxed or descaled
The incontinent optimist sees the bladder as half empty.
I tossed my billiard table into the bathtub.
Now I have a swimming pool.
WHAT DO WE WANT?
A REALLY FAST CAR TO DRIVE PAST!
WHEN DO WE WANT IT?
NNNEYOWWWWWwwwww…
I’ll sleep when I’m dead. But also, 11 hours/night when I’m still alive.
my mom: you still coming over today?
me: definitely
mom: great I have a few things from IKEA for you to put tog—
me: i cant make it
*first day as medical examiner*
Me: What killed him?
Dr: Cancer
Me: And him?
Dr: Cancer
Me: And h– let me guess, cancer?
Dr: Nope. Sagittarius