After speaking with the psychiatrist, I’ve learned that “hungry” is in fact NOT an emotion. So I’m in the market for a new psychiatrist.
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Alarm: beep beep beep
Me: I respectfully decline.
When your parents check you’re ok.
My boss yelled at me for napping at work, even though I had a clearly posted “do not disturb” sign.
The worst part of working remotely is the lack of structure. No one staring at me and tapping their watch if I take a long lunch. Unlimited bathroom breaks. Humans are not meant to live this way
You know that really private/embarrassing stuff you say to your girlfriend when no one else is around? Her friends know all that shit.
[at the store]
Me: Your powers are weak, old man
Wife: …
Me: The force is strong with this one
Wife: …
Me: Together we can rule the galaxy
Wife: …
Me: Luuuuuuuke, I am your father
Wife: Can you just pick out a damn fan already?
[immortal aliens studying us]
After about 80 years, they enter a larval stage and lie dormant underground. We don’t know what happens next.
*wipes off Chapstick
Weigh me now
(god creating crows) black. blacker! little beady eyes. deathly squawk
angel: what if there’s a bunch of them
god: MURDER
angel: you ok pal?
You seem stressed. Perhaps I can help by stepping on your computer’s power button
–cats
Narrator: Here we see the
Me: Here we see the
N:…gazelle in
M: the nature program narrator
N: THE GAZELLE IN ITS
M: WHOSE FOREHEAD VEIN IS
*I cycle off mt Rushmore and fall to my death but my bicycle lands on the end of Lincolns nose and makes a perfect pair of reading glasses*
[at the bank] hi I would like to deposit these tacos. oh and *drops a fistful of hot sauce packets on the counter* these too, thanks
Not all white people die in hot air balloon accidents, but only white people die in hot air balloon accidents.
me: i wish i could go live in the woods
my phone: your screen time was up 34% this week for a daily average of 7 hours
me: so there’s nothing you can do to help?
doctor: no, you’re just going to have to live with it I’m afraid
me: [takes baby] ugh fine
I predict that Obama’s next move is to threaten to hold his breath until Russia leaves the Crimea.
I lost my cool when I had to click on a heart three times before it would stick.
I’d probably make a lousy paramedic.
Years ago, someone discovered that white wine removes red wine stains, and all I can say is that must have been a hell of a party.
blenders are like “hey use me to make a healthy drink then spend 4 days getting me clean”
Where does the army of the dead get insanely long chains to pull a dragon? Is there a Walmart north of the wall? #GameOfThrones
Sometimes, when my husband has a day off, I like to bring the TV remote with me to work.
My corpse will likely be too lazy for rigor mortis.
MOVIE FACT: They had to remove a shower scene in Taken because the lead actor kept watching shampoo wash onto his feet and singing “Head & Shoulders Neeson toes”.
I overheard office gossip about someone being an alcoholic but I’m too drunk to crawl off the floor too find out who.
I made this sign for a broken stepladder at work & honestly I think I need to make one for myself too
You girls were right about these yoga pants. I have never been more comfortable walking back and forth from the buffet at the Golden Corral
howdy. i’m a sheriff in this here movie or show. and if i see somethin startlin? well… best believe i’m takin my hat off at it. real slow
“And there was this one time…”
*scuffle scuffle*
*muffled swearing*
*mic drops*Me, giving a wedding toast
Stop right there babe, you need permission to enter the pillow fort.