[first day in Hell]
Me: I can’t wait to bust out of here
Devil: there is no escape
Me: no? [shakes kool-aid packet]
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I exit the pool in slow motion, running my hand through my receding hairline.
“OMG why am I so sore?”
*Flashback to me doing five push-ups yesterday*
“Oh right.”
sisters are so important. how else would my mom find out all the stuff i didn’t want her to know
DATE: I want to be with someone that fights for change
ME: [with a mouth full of lasagna] I won’t fight other people for less than minimum wage
I can never remember. Is it stalactite or stalagmite that’s the bad one?
I FREAKING SWEAR!! IF I HAVE TO TELL YOU ONE MORE TIME WHAT AN EASY-GOING, PATIENT, AND CHILL PERSON I AM, I’M GONNA LOSE IT!!!!
start pet casino? explore legality
shit this isn’t my notes app
Hear me out.
The first parent to school pick-up gets to pick the best kid. The well behaved one without the snotty nose.
The last parent to pick-up gets the feral child.
It’s a system I think would work.
[announcement over PA at work]
“FREE TACOS IN THE BREAKROOM”
*I walk there so fast the noise from my corduroys breaks everyone’s eyeglasses*
My wife calls it “silent treatment”. I call it “attractive disagreement period”.
Him: Has anyone ever told you that you look like Scarlett Johansson?
Her: No.
Him (detective looking for a Scarlett Johansson impersonator): You’re free to go.
People keep asking Me why I created mosquitoes. To bite you repeatedly and give you malaria, that’s why.
In my trunk is a tire iron, a box of human hair, and a bottle of Grey Goose. I’m always prepared for an impromptu crime scene tampering.
Boss: can I get an update
Me: glitches out and fails to install
I swear people love me but my Uber score says differently.
Let me sing you the song of my people
*moves and 97 joints pop*
Gary Numan is 13 days older than Gary Oldman. I don’t even know what to believe any more
ME: whose dog are you
DOG: I’M YOUR DOG I’M YOUR DOG YES YES YES TWIRL TWIRL
ME: whose cat are you
CAT: Possession is a solipsistic paradigm, Vivian. However, if I were to define myself as belonging to anyone, it would be myself. In this essay, I will DON’T TOUCH MY STOMACH
It was difficult as a kid raising two parents on my own.
{Couples Counseling}
THERAPIST: Tell me what you love most about each other.HER: He’s so kind.
ME: If we don’t have cheese she goes and buys cheese.
Needless to say…*
*mic drop
Two wolves ? more like a hyena carcass and a dust bunny.
Scream movies would never happen in this day and age because every time the killer would call we’d just let it go to voicemail.
I get most of my exercise these days from shaking my head in disbelief.
if I was ever in prison I’d quickly assert dominance by giving everyone a fabulous makeover
My wife complains that I never open the car door for her, but when I do she’s all, “Stop it, you’re driving too fast! We’re on a bridge!”
I was really tired today and then I ate something healthy and soon after had energy. Why aren’t more people talking about this?? Just one more thing They don’t want us to know I guess
It’s like the pottery scene from Ghost, except it’s you, standing behind me, helping me use a Tide Pen on my food stains.
Dentist switches lamp on: “Now open wide”
Moth dental assistant: *repeatedly flies into bulb*
Dentist: “This has to stop Denise”
“Hey, we’re wearing the same shoes,” I say to a teenager, ruining her day.