Only 350 more followers until I casually mention the benefits of Amway.
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Greatest Fears:
-Sharks
-Ebola
-Bears
-Bear Sharks
-Bear Sharks with Ebola
-Sharks with Lazers
-Man carrying a clipboard on the sidewalks
Update: Gingerbread men are actually incredibly slow and delicious
Cute Red panda trying to scare off a stone , by standing..
[looking at an old pic of me and my wife in college]
Me: Wow, you used to be hot
Wife: *death glare*
Me: …but not as hot as you are now
Yesterday was 2/22/22. Don’t feel bad if you missed it. 3/33/33 is coming up
My husband messaged me upset that he couldn’t find his jacket. I can understand his confusion because I’d hung it on the coatrack.
*wakes up screaming*
Wife: What happened??
Me: I had a dream that I’m jogging and a leopard wearing clown makeup with wings just flew out of a cave and attacked me.
Wife: Silly that’s impossible.
Me: The flying leopard part?
Wife: No, the part about you jogging.
What I say: I’m on a diet. What my mom hears: please cook delicious food and buy chocolate.
Ever worry that spiders have 8 slippers to slap you with?
Fact: ants can lift 20 times their body weight, more if a bro is spotting them.
i hope my 2 grandmothers dont find out about each other
The Bachelor is like “Meet Savannah from Brooklyn, Madison from Savannah, Brooklyn from Madison”
I really hate to get religious on here, but have you seen the thigh gap on Jesus. DAYUM!
love when my grandparents tell me the story of how they met and got together because suddenly I find myself googling things like “statute of limitations India” “how to report a crime from 1942” “can I report a crime in India if I live in America”.
After a funeral I try to join the family for the lunch, the hardest part is waiting at the cemetery in the mornings to find a nice family.
if you’re ever worried there’s an intruder in your house, shout 69 down the stairs. if no one laughs, there’s no one there
[first day as a bartender]
Customer: I’ll have a martini, dry
Me, staring at all the liquid ingredients: I don’t know how to tell you this
“Are you sure?”
“I’m sure.”
“You’ve tried all of them on?”
“This one.”
girls post instagrams of their boyfriends like theyre toddlers. aww look, he tried a new food! so handsome in his big boy outfit at the wedding! we got sooooo tired on a trip, but he didnt cry once!
Why let people drive you crazy when you know it’s in walking distance?
My 11 yo noticed my receding hairline and thought it was hilarious. Until I explained how heredity works.
for years you mocked us, you made fun of our over-sized purses full of goldfish crumbs, our hair ties on our wrists, our jackets just in case, but who do you need now? who has 6 half-full containers of hand-sanitizer stored in old bags around the house? that’s right. moms.
*brings a mattress to a trust fall*
Inventing croutons:
What if rocks were bread
Fitbit says it’s time to chase another victim through the cornfield.
I just accidentally ordered a $300 bottle of wine on this cruise and now my wife is thinking of throwing me overboa
The 11th commandment was, “Talk shit, get hit” but God totally didn’t have enough room on those stone things, so, like, yeah.
In Florida, a man on a beer run chased customers with an alligator under his arm. In a related story, there is a bill to change the Florida state flag to a guy buying beer with an alligator under his arm.
I’d argue, but it’s like talking to a wall.
Baby, tonight let’s put the kids to bed, pour some wine, turn the lights down low & argue over whose turn it is to move the Elf on the Shelf