goldfish memory actually lasts for months not seconds so don’t play that “I forgot about the rent” shit with me, Bubbles
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My ex claimed I had a ‘hero’ complex, but whatever I think wearing my underwear on the outside of my pants is a bold & brave fashion choice
HR: People are complaining that you find ways to appear superior to them.
[chair elevated to highest position]
Me: That’s just ridiculous.
Those who run away from me are afraid that they might confess their love to me.
I got a facial tonight by hovering over the boiling water before throwing in the mac n cheese.
Where do bad rainbows go?
To prism. It’s a light sentence, but it gives them time to reflect.
11:14
After how many years should you clean your microwave?
If you can’t beat em, don’t join em, just use a bigger hammer.
A dog or a baby can only survive about 6 seconds in a closed car with the air conditioner off in July; an annoying fly, 2 weeks.
[ first date ]
her: i like a man who plans financially for the future
me: i swallowed $9.13 this morning that i won’t be able to spend until later
Is there a way I can filter out all work emails except the ones telling me there are donuts or cake in the office?
wanton disregard: extreme lack of care for the well-being or rights of another individual
wonton disregard: using wontons as the target at a shooting range
Jack Ryan, Jack Reacher…
Maybe it’s time we gave someone named Jerry a chance to solve a murder
[interview]
BOSS: How many words can you type a minute?
ME: Probably all of them
BOSS: What do you mean?
ME: Well, like for example, pickle
i slept so well last night
guy about to invent wind chimes: lemme fix that
Welcome to Twitter: yeah none of us can sleep either.
There are some people who when they hit rock bottom, they refuse to just lie there…
They just pick up a shovel and started digging.
No one runs faster than a 3 year old holding your iPhone.
u buy breath mints? who needs to buy breath mints, people give me breath mints all the time, they just hand it to me like “here, take this.” also, why are u buying soap
[First Date]
Her: I’m instantaneously attracted to men with power.Me: Nice. I just paid my electric bill.
If you stare at an ice-cube for long enough you can pretend you have laser-eyes.
2020 became the year I purchased a printer and remembered that printers are the hardest problem in computer science.
I can usually tell when a movie doesn’t use real dinosaurs.
Make sure to wash your hands before AND after you eat the rich
Me: Would you have a minute to speak about my lord and savior, nachos supreme?
Her: Sir, for the last time just tell me your order.
someone: *obvious flirt*
me, oblivious fool: aw they are so nice
also me, five years later, waking up in cold sweat at 3 am: WAIT A MINUTE
My eyebrows look like two caterpillars in a heated argument.
Just cleaned out my desk.
Bad news: I apparently have 1,453 Sharpies and none of them are sharp.
Good news: I found the plane!
I told you these spanx were too tight.
-my tombstone
I’ve started giving camouflage sweatshirts as parting gifts when I break up with people. “I don’t want to see you anymore,” I whisper.
20 year old me)I’m going to be rich
30 year old me)I’m going to travel
40 year old me)I’m going to be a better person
50 year old me)I’m going to bed