(guy glaring at me because he wants to use the stationary bike) *adds 72 hours to cardio workout*
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if you comment “i am so turned on right now” to every political post, you can make it so no one wants to argue politics with you
I’m sorry…
…but Cujo did NOT go to heaven.
Jack: *runs up the hill*
Jill: *waits for an Uber*
Me: Gather around children so I can tell you about the atrocity that was the year two thousand and twenty
Nephew: Wha- it’s still 2020.
Me: *staring off into the distance* It was a lifetime ago, so much pain and suffering
Nephew: It’s only August
Me: March lasted fifty years
Coworker sneezed, and said “Oh my. I don’t know where that came from.”
I’m no Scientist, but I’m pretty sure it came from her nose.
i know a guy who loves saying “best thing since sliced bread” and i imagine hes always at a grocery store lookin at bread and just losing it
Maybe naming my new hippie themed bar Free Spirits was a bit misleading. Lesson learned.
Only whores show their boobs. Only uptight bitches won’t show their boobs. Please show me your boobs. Women are crazy. – men
“WHAT IS IT? WHAT IS GOING ON? IS THAT RAIN? OH GOD I WISH I HAD EYES” – Worms
Told a couple of jokes at a Zoom meeting. Turns out I’m not even remotely funny.
When do kids stop eating things they find on the floor? According to my husband it’s not 38.
I just saw Beauty and the Beast and now all I want to do is live with a water buffalo and talk to my furniture
[guy taking a bite of corn and then immediately taking a bite of hotdog] there has to be a better way
If they ever invent time travel my dad would still insist on leaving early to avoid traffic
Sorry, what did you say? I was staring at my ceiling fan wondering what I would do in a scenario where it fell and helicoptered around my house chasing me
*coworker walks into bathroom, triggering the motion sensor that turns the lights on*
ME: [from one of the stalls] Welcome.
Me: You’re NEVER supportive of my goals and accomplishments.
Police: Because you keep killing people
bigfoot
the abominable snowman
chupacabras
the loch ness monster
a unicorn
mermaids
restful sleep
dragons
a super walmart
werewolves
happiness
cyclops
a 2,000 calorie diet
santa claus
Gonna tell my kids Santa doesn’t come to dirty houses so they have to clean all day tomorrow.
4 in 3 people have syphilis. Look to your left. Look to your right. One of you has syphilis twice.
wife: go see if the baby sleeping
*walks into baby’s room*
baby: corporations exploit our
insecurities for profitme: no babe she woke af
Me: [uncontrollable sobbing] I can’t see you anymore. I won’t let you hurt me again.
Trainer: It was a sit-up. You did 1 sit-up.
scientist: don’t touch anything
me: [licked a petri dish already] got it
…20 minutes later
scientist: did you touch something
me: no
scientist: you’re changing colors just tell me what you touched and i’ll save you
me: [about to die] i didn’t touch anything i swear to god
This woman’s “I’m deleting my Facebook” post has 52 comments and she’s replied to all of them. Not a strong start.
ME: [on the phone] Plz come home from work
WIFE: Why
ME: Theres a spider in the bathroom
WIFE: so kill it
ME:[whispering] its got my gun
I’m married, but not “pass up the opportunity to sleep with Thor” married. Or Wolverine. Or Captain America. Or Jennifer Aniston…
Me: Ah-woooo!
The Moon: [swipes left]
💯😂
[sex addiction group]
“Hi, my name is Fred, and as I’ve got a saxophone in my hand it’s fair to assume I misread the ad”