People that drive Jeeps will always make a point on how rugged their vehicle is by putting one wheel up on the sidewalk
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Put the spoiled milk back in the fridge and hope it gets better.
– What I think when I hear someone is getting back together with an ex.
Look, I’ve been a widow struggling for four years to raise my kids on my own. Hallmark told me I should have tripped over a handsome hunk of man, who turns out to be rich, with a good heart by now.
This is bullshit!
every girl is defined by their one lost love. and by that i mean the one fast food item that was discontinued without warning, subsequently ruining their life
Me: Don’t be mean to my friend.
Her: Your friend just broke in my door and almost strangled me.
Me: I said he was my friend, not yours.
I bought a white bathrobe and splattered it with red paint just to freak out my neighbors when I go get the mail.
Autocorrect just changed faux pas to faux pasta and this gluten war has gotten out of hand.
*dies while ironically wearing a fedora*:
oh no, this is part of my forever ghost outfit now
You would think my neighbors would appreciate me petting their dogs every day.
But nooooo, they’re too worried about how I keep getting into their house.
I’m sorry son, but autocorrect keeps changing your name to Marty. That’s your new name now, there’s nothing we can do about it.
harry: finding these “horcruxes” sounds hard
dumbledore: nah. youve destroyed some on accident and one “might” be you
harry: kinda anticlim..wait wh-
dumbledore: theres also 3 legendary items called the deathly hallows
harry: hell ya
dumbledore: one is your blankey
I don’t mean to brag but I have the face of someone with a great personality
The best way to watch the MTV Music Video Awards is to turn on the TV and turn the channel to MTV and then go outside and set your house on fire.
[trying to sleep]
Me: ok, just breathe and relax.
Brain: OR WE COULD TRY AND FIGURE OUT THE EXACT MOMENT ALL YOUR HOPES AND DREAMS DIED
Maybe it’s not auto correct, mayve it’s your big fat clumsy dingers.
In alcohol’s defense, i’ve done some pretty dumb shit while completely sober too.
Weekend #HayaoMiyazaki
Caught an epiisode of “American Ninja Warrior” and I’m thinking if I put my mind to it and train really hard I could be in that studio audience.
I am open to suggestions, comments, or glowing praise followed by many exclamation points.
Brunos are from Mars, Freddies are from Mercury.
American recipes are litch like
•3.5 handfuls of milk
•2/7 cup of cheese
•Pasta to taste
I hate when I find a show on TV that I like and I start to get into it and then I realize that it’s my neighbor’s window and he looks angry.
Me: I don’t like ice in my whiskey
Him: that’s neat
Me: yeah, it’s pretty cool
Nasal rinses are great bc they clear your sinuses and also let you feel like you’re jumping into a pool without the pool.
I work for a water company and I regularly call in fake jobs in a funny voice near me on weekends to get a call out fee and double pay overtime, nearly doubled my salary
Bae: Come over
Me: Do you have food??
Bae: My parents aren’t home
Me: Are they coming back with food??
I love going to Costco and pretending like I’ve never tried the food they’re sampling, like what’s an “Oreo”
Capitalist: Hi
Anti-Capitalist: hi
Live, Laugh, Love
Leer, Lunge, Lactate
Do things that start with L
I love sundress season, the way they occasionally and oh so tantalisingly waft up, revealing the treasures hidden beneath. But yes officer, I promise to wear underwear in future.
Every day I ask myself deep existential questions like, “If I were me, where would I park the car?”