if the neighbor kid is driving you nuts practicing saxophone you can complain or teach her Careless Whisper – maybe be a problem solver
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*first day as a coach*
Me: ok gang so we should go with a zonal defence here, remember to watch the runners and stick to the plan, goooo team!
Player: *whispering* guys I don’t think coach has played golf before
I’m a kid at heart and a senior citizen at knees and back.
I’m tired of people saying “here’s my go to lazy meal” and then they start chopping an onion
Don’t invite me over unless you are trying to secretly transfer a cursed object to me.
Knock knock.
Who’s there?
Doorbell repairman…… the end.
If I put on a latex glove and snap it, that’s just me flirting
8 year old me: bye dad gonna go meet melissa and throw lawn darts at each other
dad: WAIT
me:
dad: don’t forget to take a jacket
Police Officer: Son I have some terrible news, your father was killed at work today when he fell into the scissor machine.
Dwayne Johnson: *grits teeth* …I will dedicate my life to avenging him!
sheep: hey give me my jeans back
wolf: no I need them for this idiom
Me: No more talking. Good night.
10: Did you know you could throw a rock into a big body of water and be the last person to touch that rock until the end of time?
Your odds are greater of being killed by a coconut rather than a shark and this is exactly why I don’t swim in coconut-infested waters.
I’m not the type of superstitious idiot who worries about bad luck on Friday 13th. That’s silly. Me, I just take off to a nice quiet cabin in the woods, slaughter a pack of over-sexed teenagers, then kick back and chill.
1996: My loneliness is killin’ me
2020: That’s cute.
Today my husband ate margarine with a spoon. Long story short, I’m unable to see a future with him. We had a good run.
A mom-off where we see who can cut a grape into the smallest pieces
People have ruined this planet and now they’re just like “Tag, you’re it!” to Mars.
127 HOURS but me trying to get my hand out of the Pringles can
Abundance: what a man with a manbun does when he hears music.
Woody: lol u guys! u guys. come hear this shit
Buzz:
Woody: say it again
Buzz: [sighs] to infinity and beyond
Mr. Potatohead: lmao “AnD bEyOnD” does he not understand what infinity means
Naming my first daughter Piggleigh Wiggleigh.
You don’t realize how much you miss your privacy until you have a toddler hugging you the entire time you pee.
Our dishwasher doesn’t know what hit it.
Smelled my finger after I took the bandaid off of it.
Don’t do that.
The woman in the Superman underwear next to me does not quite understand how white pants work.
Good morning to everyone except my son who asked why I haven’t had a real boyfriend in years.
9 out of 10 wives agree their husbands are always wrong and the other one just doesn’t wanna talk about it right now.
Me: My wife says I never pay attention
Her: I’m not your wife
When my wife asks me to do that one thing in the bedroom that she really likes, she’s talking about vacuuming.
put my dad’s hat on a snowman and it immediately left to get cigarettes
I’m less popular then mushrooms, because I’m not a fungi