Go on vacation so you can discover the earliest time that your kids will ever wake up
You Might Also Like
reminder: the best way to say benedict cumberbatch is to the tune of photograph by nickelback
MY DOG’S VET: who’s a good boy? who’s the handsomest boy? does you wanna cookie? does the handsome good boy want a cookie? does the handsomest best boy ever want a cookie?
MY DOCTOR: you look fatter and paler than I remember, sit down
Now that the sleep paralysis demon is trapped in my head, he’s starting to rethink his decisions
repaired
It’s weird how horses can run so fast but still suck at every other sport.
Not sure how to cuddle propawly
📹 absolute_kaos1 | IG
A TV show where customers get to hear what employees said 10 seconds after they left the store.
HOT SINGLES HAVE MIGRATED AWAY FROM YOUR AREA DUE TO CLIMATE CHANGE
If you’re ever wondering what to do in an uncomfortable situation, just think “What would teenage me do?”
And then do the opposite of that.
Imagine a baby named Edith. Exactly, you can’t because everyone named Edith quietly emerged from the woods at age 78 knitting an incredibly complicated afghan.
the hardest part about boxing is not falling in love with your opponent when he hugs you
[feeding baby Malaysian food]
“Here comes the plane”
*makes plane noises**spoon just disappears*
Me: Was the island real or were they dead the whole time?
Sony tech support: We can’t answer that kind of TV question, sir.
Apparently you can’t use the “don’t make me turn this car around” threat if your kids never wanted to go in the first place
My gf asked me if I’d continue to love her even after marriage and i said yes.
Then..she got married.
Sorry if you feel foolish, but that’s how sarcasm works… Einstein.
DATE: So what do you do?
ME: I race cars.
HER: That’s so cool. Have you won many races?
ME: No, the cars are much faster.
if there’s something that needs to be picked up off the floor, I think to myself “do I really need it that bad” and most of the time the answer is “no” so I just leave the baby there
A drone, but for seeing which fast food drive-thrus have the shortest line
Coworker: got a second?
Me: you mean the one you just wasted or another one?
My Daddy taught me to lick it before I stick it- I say to the judges as I hang a spit covered spoon from my nose.
Being held for questioning sounds more romantic than it is
gf: [crying] I love him
gf’s dad: if you love him let him go
gf: [lets go]
me: [falling to my death] that’s not what it
m
e
e
e
e
a
n
s
My husband thinks he can just order me around like he’s one of the cats.
[spelling bee]
JUDGE: your word is “cat”
ME: ok
JUDGE: incorrect
6: How do you make a bubble with your gum?
Me: You need to push and stretch it with your tongue and then blow
Him: (opens mouth to speak)
Me: Don’t! I heard myself too.
I’ll complain about the government invading my privacy after I tell you where I am on Facebook and posting what I’m eating on Instagram.
Someone invented a yoga mat that rolls itself. If that person reads this tweet, I have a fitted sheet I’d like for you to look at.
Will you be my 14th most used emoji?
My snack didn’t taste very good.
Now I’m gonna hafta cleanse the palate w a large buffalo chicken pizza for lunch
I know. Life’s tough.