I heard somebody refer to “The Shape of Water” as “Grinding Nemo” and I’m never going to get over it.
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The egg whites carton in my fridge looked like the creamer carton and now I have omelette coffee.
them: you look just like a friend of mine
me: she sounds really pretty
I’m like the Pied Piper, but instead of a flute it’s a little bottle of maple syrup and rather than rats it’s all the lovely Canadians I’m enticing into my ‘candy van’.
when girls eat strawberries it’s like sexy and hot but when i eat an entire potato in one bite like a snake it’s weird???? ok
*first date*
Brain: Quick say something intresting
Me: Lasagna is spaghetti flavored cake
Brain: Nice
i don’t invite people over because they might sit in my dog’s chair
Pigeon 1: I really have to go to the toilet mate.
Pigeon 2: Wait a litle dude..i want same thing but we really have to find a really clean car…
Bear Grylls: *cuts with knife* These can be edible, but I must avoid the toxic parts.
Taco Bell Manager: You need permission to film in here
“Don’t you dare call my lazy friend lazy”, my friend defending my honour
[Giving my kid some valuable life advice] If you’re having cereal for dinner, you have at least two bowls. Otherwise it’s just a snack.
I’m a mom of 2 boys. My hobbies include always wondering where that smell is coming from and if it’s safe to pick up that towel or sock on the floor.
my gf: don’t tell my dad how we met
me: ok
[later]
her dad: so how did you two meet?me: *startled* I’ve never seen her before in my life
Why are people upset about the Starbucks cup and not the fact that they are paying $7 for coffee?
I’m putting together a team
Corgi: why are my legs so short?
God: that’s just what legs look like.
Corgi: oh cool.
[giraffe walks by]
Corgi:
God: you weren’t supposed to see that.
Secret Santa is very disappointing if you’re self-employed.
“How would you like your eggs?”
“Whipped up and inside a chocolate cake please.”
[Pokémon Pitch]
Writer: pet training with wild animals
Exec: thats already a thing
Writer: kids are the trainers
Exec: seems irresponsible
Writer: they keep them in magic balls until it’s time to fight for scout badges or something
Exec: why
Writer: unclear
Exec: tight
You say “save the date”, I hear “more time to come up with an excuse of why I’m not going.”
No one makes fun of your unibrow if you’re a cyclops.
interviewer: why were you fired from your last job?
God: [sweating nervously] ok have you ever heard of humans
“No, it’s not me” 😂💀
I wish I could be like my cable company’s customer service line and make people press 37 different numbers before they can talk to me.
*corporate state run media carnival*
Step right up folks, take your bait!
How low can we go, how low can we go? New lows every day!
kinda want to get my dog to bark for 2 minutes as my voice mail so no one ever leaves me one again
I enjoy quaint, old-fashioned customs like being nice to people.
Me: You know what would improve this dreadful place? An open bar
Other people in the waiting room:
Dear teenage kids of mine,
When you tell me that I’m embarrassing you, I think back to all those toddler years when you embarrassed me.
So I’m going to keep dancing in the aisles of the grocery store and singing in the car with the windows down because that’s karma!
Mom: If your friends all jumped off a bridge, would you…
Me: Be the one holding all their phones? Yeah, probably.
Why would a straight guy hate gay guys?
Here’s a group of men who look better than you.. but don’t even want women.
You should be glad.