Wife: can you please stop referring to our entire marriage as your “awkward phase”
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People who say “Don’t shit where you eat” have clearly never heard of Chipotle
If my fingers don’t motion like scissors snipping when I ask for a haircut at the salon, how will they know what I mean
DAVID AYER: I wanna make a buddy cop movie
THEM: ok
DA: Will Smith is one of the cops
THEM: k
DA: The other cop is a shy, magical orc
THEM: no that’s crazy
EVERYONE AT NETFLIX: Hold my appletini
#BRIGHTMovie
ME [licking my fingers clean]: do you have a plate for the bones
CORONER: what the hell have you done
I wear my tattoos on the inside. Ever since having discount back surgery from a guy named “Spider.”
Carrying a tube of pringles like a waiter presenting a fine bottle of wine
My husband is working from home and he’s still late.
Darude Sandstorm is my favorite pokemon
I can’t sleep because I’m worried I’m not gonna get enough sleep because I should already be sleeping.
My master plan is to forget sunglasses at every location in the world so wherever I am I’ll always have sunglasses.
My son (11) was talking to his friends playing fortnite and I hear him say, “My mom is a big deal on the internet” to which one of the kids said, “Is she on Onlyfans?” And son said, “What’s that?” And other kid said, “Google it” and when I say I have never run so fast in my life
Aziz Ansari dancing in the video for “Otis” is me at every wedding I’ve ever been to.
Remember in your 20s when you sat upright to eat
One bowl of cereal: snack
Two bowls of cereal: meal
Three bowls of cereal: Stop flashing your obvious wealth, Tristan
Women and electronics aren’t very similar until they both freak out on you for throwing water on them while they’re in “sleep mode”.
Is Pepsi ok?
*I pull out my phone and send a text*
*2 hours pass*
*an out of breath Dikembe Mutumbo runs in wagging his finger*
No it is not
I have an extensive library of over 2,000 classic, important books just in case you have a question about the first 54 pages of one of them.
You, watching House Hunters: this is ridiculous
Me, a house hunter: [squatting low to the ground, sniffing house dung] a bungalow is nearby
Guy asked if I put him in the friend zone. I was like, whoa slow down there. I’ll have sex with you, but friendship is a serious commitment.
A Facebook group named “Humans Against Herd Behavior” was created yesterday. So far, 10,000 people have joined the group.
As a holiday tradition on Christmas Day, all Christmas presents are checked with our drug dog.
Those deemed suspicious, are mine.
There’s no “u” in employee. You’re fired.
hid some cash in the house for emergencies and now I can’t find it
Dear Captchas,
I swear I’m not a robot, just really *really* stupid
@Mardigroan @sofarrsogud If you own a coffee shop and aren’t having a July Froth sale, what are you even doing?
When my first baby was born, we didn’t have smart phones to look at while cradling a baby so she stays sleeps, so I had to balance a hard backed library book without dropping it on her head which is no easy feat I tell ya.
The sequel to The Sound of Music starts with Maria and Capt. Von Trapp, cold and hungry, huddled together in the middle of the Alps making a list of the order in which to eat the children.
Strange to think that exactly four years ago at the start of lockdown in the UK we all began stockpiling pasta, yeast and toilet paper. Those were some of the worst meals I’ve ever eaten.
If you love somebody, let them go. If they’re smart, they’ll keep going.