genie: [unloading my dishwasher] this is ridiculous
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*raises visor on knight helmet* Define “silly purchases,” Cheryl
Ronald McDonald’s favorite song is the bigmacarena
I gave up watching X-Files after realizing Mulder was NOT actually his own alien-abducted sister who was returned as a boy and was suppressing the memory.
My heart says yes, but my ankle monitor says no
Croatia-France sounds like a 19th century war to decide which cousin the crown prince is forced to marry.
the first snowflake of winter: *falls*
my body: WE DEMAND SOUP
date: do you like reading?
me: *holding menu upside down* is it spicy?
Apparently my neighbors are having a slamming the door every 5 minutes party
under no circumstances will my brother take the L
A reality show where chefs deconstruct recipes and IKEA customers put them back together
Bend over and take it like a taxpayer.
When someone yells “Fire!” at my house, I’ll be the first to leap from the toilet and fall flat on my face because my legs fell asleep
I hired a nanny to watch my kids. Little did she know they were just two sacks of potatoes. When I got home I accused her of witchcraft.
Once I was driving with my first wife and we got into a screaming match while she was also eating an ice cream cone. I reached my breaking point and slammed on the brakes which made her face go all in the ice cream. This will forever be the funniest thing I’ve ever done
Pro tip: never take a laxative and a sleeping pill at the same time.
Welcome to your 40’s. You now have to second guess your age as you can’t believe you’re that old
purely hypothetical question, just for fun: what should somebody do if they have to dispose of many human bones?
After Eve, God didn’t speak directly to another female for the rest of the Bible. A single woman pissed off an omniscient deity that much.
The older I get, the more excited I become about the possibility of getting a motorized scooter.
Parenting Pro Tip: If a 5 year old says he needs a potty stop, or he’s going to take a dump in the minivan, he’s not making idle threats
I never drank a day in my life. I almost drank 18 hours once, though.
Hungover this morning, just accidentally flushed my toilet again right after I’d flushed it and found myself apologizing to it, aloud. So I guess quarantine has turned me into a Canadian?
Why are kids obsessed with toy tools and toy appliances? Like buddy this is the one time in your life you don’t have to do shit, why you wanna pretend to repair the washing machine and cook fake pancakes?
my mom: you still coming over today?
me: definitely
mom: great I have a few things from IKEA for you to put tog—
me: i cant make it
Haters gonna hate
Alligators gonna alligate
Waiters gonna wait
Jet Fuel can’t melt steel beams
Potatoes gonna potate
“I don’t see color.”
-dogs
i got the covid booster and a flu shot earlier today and the guy giving it to me was like “are you getting this for school or work?” and i panicked and said “for fun”
My boss: Two hours is enough time to get lunch catered for a meeting, right?
Me: *screams internally* I will make it happen.
Recent evidence indicates that Earth is indeed bi-polar, as we’ve always suspected.
Cheers to all who skipped that one dish at Thanksgiving because you just didn’t trust the person who brought it.