16 zombie actors injured on movie set. Saddly no one noticed for 3 hours.
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#rubbishjokes
I don’t like Russian dolls.They are so full of themselves.
[ascending to heaven] oh wow I can’t believe I made it
[passing heaven by and going towards the sun] ok fair
Welcome back to school kids. Please form an orderly line.
If you don’t already have a highly contagious virus, one will be assigned to you.
The question had been asked millions of times over thousands of years and I don’t know if science will ever answer the question:
How can a child this small take up so much room in a king sized bed
Whenever I am with my family and someone says, “Wow, you have a beautiful family!” I reply, “Well, we left the ugly ones at home.”
My kids are running fevers and fell asleep on either side of me so now I know how it feels to roast like a gas station hot dog.
my first real experience with gang violence was the buttercream gang.
Me: I need a four-letter word for identical
Her: same
Me: okay then I’ll get the thesaurus
Them: You look tired.
Me: *punches them in their face* Well, you look injured.
[drops your baby]
Me: shit, sorry. Let me get you another one
wife: Do you want a bowl?
me [eating ice cream out of the carton] Why?
If you borrow my laptop and the volume is at 16% go wash your hands immediately
her: i love bad boys
me: [trying to impress] my mom has no idea where i am
My husband’s on a work Skype, so every few minutes I silently cross the room behind him dressed as a new character from Wicked.
[undercover FBI agent steps out of his surveillance van, knocks on my front door] do you ever stop eating?
When you’re in the hospital on morphine, a fun game to play is “were my eyes closed for 20 seconds or 2 hours”
As an introvert, having a special place in hell reserved just for me sounds rather nice.
Him: Let’s go out tonight.
Me: It’s a work night and very late.
Him: It’s 5:00PM on a Friday.
Me: I’M EXHAUSTED. WHY CAN’T YOU HAVE AN AFFAIR LIKE MY FRIEND’S HUSBANDS?
getting corrected
Me: Gather around children so I can tell you about the atrocity that was the year two thousand and twenty
Nephew: Wha- it’s still 2020.
Me: *staring off into the distance* It was a lifetime ago, so much pain and suffering
Nephew: It’s only August
Me: March lasted fifty years
Nobody knows how they got cats. One day you just have cats.
My suicide notes just keep turning into grocery lists.
Apparently you can’t make a baby by adding water to baby powder, so don’t waste your time.
[screaming into the void]
MARCO
You kids are lucky with your selfies, back in my day we had 27 blind attempts, a 24 hour waiting period and a $15 investment
Wife: “Did you know that some idiot paid $96,000 for Princess Leia’s gold bikini?”
Me: [nervously tightening my robe] “Who would do that?”
I hate all the “creepy clown” news. I’m having a clown solidarity march at dusk near an abandoned insane asylum. Need a calliope player.
I don’t understand all the fuss about ChatGPT – I have teenagers who already know everything
I smiled and waved at my neighbour so I bet the first thing she’ll do today is buy bedroom curtains.
ART TEACHER: Why have you painted the water green again? It looks-
ME: I’m bringing *puts on sunglasses* Shrek sea back
AT: You’re expelled