People who say “Money doesn’t grow on trees” don’t understand the paper making process.
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*takes bite of Pringle* yes *nods at date then waiter* we’ll have the tube
me: hey siri
siri: (long, deep sigh) what
Just put the vaccine inside donuts, ok.
I’ve been with my bf for a little over a year now and my future mil has already vowed to never speak to me again. How was I chosen for this blessing? Did I win some kind of award?
*bounce*
*dabs*
*bounce*
*dabs*
*bounce*
*dabs*
*bounce*
*dabs*
*bounce*
*dabs*~ me, at trampoline place embarrassing my kids
Her: I can’t believe you got us kicked out of my cousin’s wedding.
Me: They totally overreacted. People have been throwing rice at newlyweds for centuries!
Her: Pork fried rice??
I’m tired of people asking how I wrecked my car. That’s just the way it looks.
The rain is pouring. So naturally it’s a good day to eat 6 donuts.
There are innumerable mental health benefits of spending time in nature, but that doesn’t mean coming into the forest and screaming “fix my life” at the trees.
The lady at the massage parlor asked if I wanted a happy ending, I said yes and then she proceeded to tell me the plot of Homeward Bound.
My one year-old is going through a horrible tantrum phase, muttering gibberish and then screaming when things don’t go his way.
Basically, his spirit animal is Yosemite Sam.
Adding “and shit” to the end of a sentence to make it sound cooler and shit.
LEGOLAS: You have my bow.
GIMLI: And my ax.
[Everyone looks at me, closely guarding my sandwich]
ME: You can have a SMALL bite.
sometimes I feel sad and then sometimes I go get an apple pie and vanilla soft serve from McDonald’s and mush them together so I can be fat and sad
What is bluesky and is it pronounced like a cloudless day or a Polish last name?
I’ve had 3 Red Bulls today and now I can taste my heartbeat.
Reporter: He was strangled by a loved one
My Murderer: Whoa, love is a strong word
Anyone want a free car? Angry bee inside but otherwise, perfect.
┏┓
┃┃╱╲ in
┃╱╱╲╲ this
╱╱╭╮╲╲house
▔▏┗┛▕▔ we
╱▔▔▔▔▔▔▔▔▔▔╲
wash our hands
╱╱┏┳┓╭╮┏┳┓ ╲╲
▔▏┗┻┛┃┃┗┻┛▕▔
6: Dad, what’s the biggest thing in the world?
Me: Uh
6: Nevermind, Siri…
stop asking me if i’m tired, can’t i just be ugly.
you’d think someone who calls themselves a rat-catcher by trade would be more prepared for having a rat thrown at them, just goes to show people aren’t always who they say they are.
The cashier seemed to appreciate that I bagged my own groceries until I unpacked them all and said, “That’s how I want you to do it.”
Brain: He mentioned marriage again. You know what to do.
*sets phone on fire*
nyc:
Drops a case of canned beer down the steps before bringing them to your BBQ
Had pizza for every meal, just one piece. Breakfast, lunch, snack, dinner. Four pieces total, but I’m 700 calories over budget which makes me want to eat the other four.
When it comes to eating sandwiches, I am the anticrust.
Before I got an iPhone all I heard from my husband was how “intuitive” their products were. And I couldn’t help wishing they made spouses.