This guy’s not having it 😆
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I’m not saying she’s worse than my mom…
But my wife doesn’t seem to like any of my girlfriends.
[I find a mysterious note in kitchen]
“LEAF 1 MILLLION UNMARKD DOG TREETS N BAKYARD BY SONDOWN OR WE RELEASH PICHURES OF U PETTIN A CAT”
one of my favorite Halloween memories was trick or treating and a very stoned dude in his 20’s opened the door and was like “oh man I forgot it was today. Let me see if I have anything for you” and then I hear him going through his pantry and he goes “do you like soup”
Father, pardon, excuse, exonerate, absolve, acquit, forgive me, for I have synonymed.
*breaks out of prison
*hunted by police for weeks
*crawls thru 22 miles of mud to your house*
Me: <taps on your window> DID YOU GET MY TEXT?
My Nephew called me ‘lazy’ when I took him shopping in Morrisons today.
I was so shocked I nearly fell out the trolley.
Some dude built his wife the Taj Mahal and I can’t get a DM from a guy that doesn’t have his wife in his profile picture
A guy at work forges as a hobby and it took me almost a year before I realized that he wasn’t saying he was foraging on the weekend
Me: {drops lungs at dry cleaners} Moderate bleach, light press, air dry, and fluff before pick up my good man
Watermelon is the perfect drink when you’re thirsty, but want to chew it.
I’m sorry if I looked interested. You probably caught me fantasizing about bacon.
The worst words a parent can hear: I’m not tired
COP: I need to see some ID
ME: [hands him ID]
COP: this isn’t yours
ME: you said “some”
COP: lol wow good point you’re free to go
ok wow… unfollowing now. was a big fan of his food but I was not aware he was just an untalented guy being controlled by a rat
I don’t want a “stable and rewarding career”. I want to wear a CLOAK, live in the middle of the woods, and eat 12 times a day like a hobbit
Government shutdown day 7: Electricity still works. Water is still running. No cool gangs to join yet. Worst apocalypse ever.
Never doubt a Woman with an extensive vocabulary.
Netflix and Will…
…you stop trying to touch me?
Me: You said you wouldn’t dream of disturbing me
my kid: Yeah, but this isn’t a dream
3 years into a relationship and you get a text “i need space” loooool lets sell some furniture then
Notes to self:
1. Open a rug store. Call it Carpet Diem.
2. That’s stupid; don’t do that.
3. Stop writing notes to yourself like a lunatic.
Welcome to your 50’s, your knees will now decide when you will sit down.
Teacher: Ants can lift things that are heavier than they are
Kid: How can a thing be heavier than it is?
Teacher: No, you’re not understanding—(sees it’s almost 3 pm)—because magic
I thought about getting silk sheets to seem sexy, but then I realized nobody would be turned on by me falling out of bed 6 times a night.
[First day as an exterminator]
Me: *pointing to giant, dead mouse on floor* He won’t be bothering you anymore.
Chuck E. Cheese Manager: OH MY GOD
doctors: we recommend 7-9 hours of sleep every day
also doctors: time to work my third 24-hour shift this week
*friend you haven’t spoken to in years posts photos of their marriage*
wow thanks for the invite beth did our 6 weeks of drivers ed together mean nothing to u
trying to cheat on my philosophy final by texting my friend who took it last year: “hey man, how ought one to live”
Me: *leans in for a kiss
CPR Instructor: Did you just say ‘leans in for a kiss’???
When I get a girlfriend, what do I feed it