You think cannonballs scream ‘humans’ right before they land in water
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When you marry a fungi, you have to give up certain video games, pizza toppings and recreational drugs out of respect.
[inventing video games]
i wanna be lazy but with a purpose
Me to my toddler: Listen up, small human. Here are some farm animal sounds you should learn to prepare you to climb the corporate ladder.
y’all I’m about to get violent cuz wtf
We took the animals for a walk and saw a sign: ‘Dogging area, please control your animal and pick up their faces…’
When someone cries, “No one gets me”
I immediately snatch them and put them in my trunk and yell, “I got you”!
I would never cheat in a relationship
because that would require two people finding me attractive.
I’m just a girl reading the news in KYIV like “Kentucky four.”
Why are hemorrhoid and diarrhea so hard to spell? Like if you’re talking about them, you aren’t having a rough enough time already.
But is it really??
Been on 3 dates now with this girl who works in the zoo. I think she’s a keeper
“don’t try this at home,” i say to a troop of cub scouts as i demonstrate how to escort an elderly person across the street while carrying a mongoose & a cat who hate each other’s guts
[Lois & Superman’s first date]
Superman: You look beautiful, Loren.
Lois: What? Who’s Loren?!
*Superman flies around the earth and reverses time*
Superman: You look beautiful, Lois.
“Sorry I didn’t reply to your email Terry, a wolf ripped my hands off… Oh these? Um, I got new hands? Gotta go!”
Math never tried to solve any of my problems.
Starting to think that adult supervision is a myth. In fact, my eyes seem to be getting worse.
Everyone asks me when I’m gonna start a family but no one asks me when I’m gonna stop a family
It could be worse.
You could be coughing up someone else’s lung.
My therapist thanked me for making her decision to retire early much easier.
So I’ve got that going for me.
I swear babe, I’m a virgin, it must be a miracle.
*Joseph rolls eyes
I don’t go down to the docks anymore because once I was mistaken for a big bag of sausages and got scooped up by a forklift. Life can be sad.
6 was jealous about other kids getting notes in their lunches, so I put one in his:
“Sorry, I ate your pudding. Love, Dad.”
Date: I like bad boys.
Me: I’m a drug dealer.
Date: But one that is also responsible.
Me: At a pharmacy.
Me: Grab me the red one
Dog: Not funny
As we were driving passed a prison on vacation my 12 year old nephew lamented, “aww, I’ve never gotten to see the inside of a real jail.” I deadpanned, “It’ll happen, Sean, just give it a few years.” Y’all, my 7 year old erupted in laughter and explained the insult & I’m just 😭
Mission: Impossible
This salad I’m having for lunch tastes a lot like I’m having a greasy burger and onion rings for dinner.
The most unrealistic element of Jurassic Park is the part where an American theme parks investors become concerned after a single worker is killed
“Put your hand on the shopping cart or I’m going to put you inside it.”
“Mom I’m right here.”
“Hand on the cart now. I don’t want you to get lost.”
“MooOoom”
“5, 4”
“I’M NOT GETTING LOST!”
“3, 2, 1”
*My mom struggles to lift me up into the cart*
“I’M 36 MOM!!”
My cousin stuffed her turkey and put it in her oven, which is not turned on, with the intention to store it there overnight rather than the fridge. “There’s no room.”
This is why you can’t eat just anybody’s food.
This time tomorrow that whole household will be at the ER.