Homophobia is stupid. Who the hell is afraid of homes.
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*sleeping*
Heartburn: LIKE HELL YOU ARE
me: god I need a break from work
God: [creates pandemic]
me: not like that
I tell my kids that thunder means God is shouting; rain means God is crying; and lightning means God is killing Luke Skywalker.
I’m not sure, but if I died in your arms tonight, that makes you a suspect. At the very least.
Sub the word ‘hostage’ for the word ‘parent’ at your child’s next activity to spice up the conversations with all the other hostages.
At an art museum and I thought this was art
This hasn’t helped my bull get any sleep at all. In fact, the closer I get to him with the bulldozer, the more agitated he gets.
Is “oppressive” too harsh or do I just stick with “hostile work environment”?
I was told “you’re not my Dad anymore” and I’m updating my resume.
The fake cough I use when calling in sick is now available on iTunes.
[stranded on Mars journal]
day 1: rob and I have enough oatmeal to last us 300 days
day 2: I ate rob
Iron Man
Iron Man
Does whatever an iron can
Makes stuff hot
Makes stuff flat
Burns your hand
Burns the cat
Burns the house down . .
Shit!
Y’all ready for this
Everyone should release their taxes because I cannot read them understand them anyhow
Heading to therapy. Let’s all cross our fingers that some good therapist jokes come out of this.
glass half empty: I just found an old banana in my kid’s backpack
glass half full: It’s only 6 days old
Him: I bet you’re good in bed.
Me: Oh hell yeah I am. I sleep solid as a rock!
[job interview for psychic]
INTERVIEWER: Where do you see yourself in 5 years?
ME: Well played.
wife: You’re going to work like that?
me: Yeah, it’s casual day
[20 minutes later]
*calls wife*
me: Can you bring me a shirt?
When life hands you gators, make Gatorade…just kidding-that means life hates you because the gators would totally kill and eat you 1st.
Thou shall not throw shade, if though cannot throw hands.
Thuggalations: 17:28
The X-Files will have 3 back to back episodes that are dead serious about elaborate conspiracies where anyone can be killed for knowing too much, and then the very next episode will be like “Scully there’s a dude I wanna check out who thinks he’s a goat”
*a ship carrying pineapples gets wrecked*
Government: Housing infrastructure for SpongeBobs was delivered directly to them, cutting out all the red tape, and middlemen.
By the time you finish reading this tweet, you will be slightly closer to death than you were before.
I hope it was worth it.
ME: honey, just tap me on the arm tonight if you think I’ve gotten too drunk
WIFE: I’ve been tapping your arm for the last 2 hours
Son: I’m addicted to morphing
Dad: Oh God no, are you smoking it, injecting it?
Son: No Dad,not Morphine
Dad: what?
Son: *turns into bat
Ratatouille me.
Sit on my head and pull my hair.
New rule: no video games before the time you’d normallly get home from school. That’s going to work with the 17 year old, right?
There’s a reason when we have to smile for a photo we say “cheese,” and not “salad.”
Who called it a wolf in sheep’s clothing and not a woolf?