I told my therapist that I thought I had imposter syndrome, but he said only talented people get that. So that’s a relief.
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I do not hit my children. However, I do text them in complete sentences with capitalization and punctuation, which is apparently equally aggressive.
ME: check out this cordless trimmer
BARBER: stop calling me that.
Born to Do Math
#GeekySongsAndShows
wife: I wish you’d quit breaking wind at the dinner table
me: *judo chopping the air* champions are always training
Jimmy Bathwater, 27 of Howdon, pleaded guilty to roundhousing a seagull out the sky. He was fined £300 despite how impressive that sounds
I may not be perfect, but at least my cat loves m—oh he’s just hungry nvm
A health scare but it’s just someone putting a salad in front of me.
You know, my dream for gaming is where in one game you’ll shoot someone and then during a game of say Fifa you’ll see their son crying
I’m so tired of being jealous of my friends’ successes. It’s unhealthy and only hurts me. From now on, I’m going to focus on what’s really important: enjoying my friends’ failures.
I’m taking part in a scavenger hunt. I have already killed twelve scavengers
See a penny, pick it up, then all day you just have a dirty penny in your pocket
oh yeah? Well caterpillars also stay in bed for a month at a time and look how they turn out
He can talk about his favourite Indian flatbread, naan-stop.
Dear waiter,
You messed up my order because you didn’t write it down. I employed your strategy while calculating the tip.
Love,
David
She said “you look like trouble”…so I nudged her down the stairs, because I don’t like people falling short of their expectations.
House Hunters:
“We want a slide, cheeseburgers, a clown.”
Realtor: Are you describing McDonalds?
“haha no”
*3 kids tumble out of trenchcoat*
Do we want 2020 to turn 21 and be able to drink?
Still waiting for a politician to abruptly resign because someone on Twitter with 27 followers told them to.
Have you ever noticed that Santa brings better gifts to the kids that have rich parents?
I feel like Donald Trump and Bill Clinton have a $1 bet that Trump can make Hillary president and Bill can make her not president.
[walking on beach]
[find bottle with message in it]
Message: IS YOUR FRIDGE RUNNING?
[another bottle with message washes against my feet]
Everyone: We’re concerned about you.
Me: *snorting crushed up smarties off the back of a public toilet* why tho?
Zodiac Killer origin story where he’s bullied by an astrologist
It’s all fun and games until you realize that cute little puppy that you took in is the most proficient shitting machine that ever walked the earth.
Every zoo is a petting zoo if you can run fast enough.
Wearing my lesbian boots today. Well, they’re faux lesbian. I don’t believe in using lesbians for leather, even if they’re farm-raised.
Me in a huff: you just said disrobe down to my socks. You didn’t say anything about staying in the exam room
When I see snails in my path, I like to gently pick them up out of if harms way, and ‘whizz’ them magically a few metres, and plop them where they were headed. Keeps them safe, but I also like to think they later share their teleportation tales with other snails.
My cat: Meow
Me: Come here.
My cat: MEOW!
Me: You can’t complain about lack of attention AND not come here. Pick a struggle and stick to it.
Based on my experience with trying to find the restroom at Kohl’s, I would die first in the Hunger Games.