All parents have a favourite child
Good parents pretend they don’t
Great parents at least make it one of their own
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Everyone thinks they won’t be that couple that goes from ‘everything you do is a turn on’ to ‘you’re breathing too loud’ but they will be, oh they will be
HIM: I love reading big novels.
ME: No kidding, so do I!
*I whip out one of those oversized picture books they use in kindergarten*
No one helped Cinderella when she hallucinated and talked to rats, cause people are garbage smh
I touched a sticky one dollar bill and now I have to chop my hand off.
The rats outside my apartment building are getting very bold. One of them just asked me for my number.
[playing trivia]
me: what year did rambo come out?
my wife: *gasp* rambo’s gay??
Have kids, they said
me: wow, so many robins! what a good omen
also me: there are robins everywhere, it’s not a sign
also also me: you can both be right!
fourth me: you guys talk too much
I told my 5yo to brush her teeth so she doesn’t get cavities and she responded with, “so what they’re gonna fall out anyways.” I had no comeback to this.
him: can you pour me a glass of wine
me: there’s only enough left for me
him: there’s a whole bottle
me: yes
Tinder but it matches people that don’t know what they want for dinner with people who will decide what they get for dinner.
One little typo and Secret Santa becomes Secret Satan and nobody asks you to plan the Christmas gift exchange again.
Not to brag or anything, but I got the high score on my scale today.
me (extremely dehydrated and feeling nauseous after drinking nothing but coffee all day): wtf why is this happening the human body is so mysterious
I always allow adequate time between workouts to fully recover. I’m going on four years now since my last gym session.
Too bad my 20 year high school reunion was cancelled. My plus 1 was going to be the extra person I gained in weight since high school. Darn
Why are books the only thing advertised as “Wherever books are sold.” You can’t sell other stuff by saying “Wherever you get this shit, IDK”
Just heard Justin Bieber vowed not to return to the UK after his disastrous tour here.
Well done the UK. Well done.
*friend you haven’t spoken to in years posts photos of their marriage*
wow thanks for the invite beth did our 6 weeks of drivers ed together mean nothing to u
My boyfriend told me that his new years resolution was to try anal. He’s going to be so suprised when he sees the strap on i just bought.
My mom said if she’d known grandchildren were so fun she would’ve skipped a generation so I loaded the kids with candy and left them at her house.
You probably can’t even pick your own skeleton out of a lineup.
Gonna flirt with an electrician by calling them electrocute
*logs into Facebook
*looks at pictures of people hugging their boyfriends
*comments ‘is that your dad’ on all of them
*logs out of Facebook
“Our toes look nothing like that!” – Camels
[on the phone with wife]
Honey, who do you like better, Hulk Hogan or Jafar from Aladdin?
“Tell me why.”
[winks at tattoo artist] No reason.
Why should you stick to drinking apple juice?
Because OJ will kill you.
I get all snooty about Great British Bake Off contestants doing things wrong like two years ago I wasn’t googling “what is shoe pastry”
The man next to me has cologne so strong that I’m dizzy with hallucinations, plus all those mushrooms I took.
[first person to see an ostrich]
Check out that chicken horse.