Just had to persuade my child to eat something delicious because children.
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When a man tries to hug me hello or goodbye I whisper in his ear “tip to tip” and sigh as we embrace to ensure we never do it again.
Want to change your name without any legal hassles? Just come up with a new pronunciation, the government isn’t even keeping track of that. Congratulations Brenda, you’re Breenday now and no one can stop you
Sure sex is great but have you pulled a sticker off something in one go?
I’ve always admired a man in a uniform who is soft, sweet and tender. I guess my perfect match is the Stay Puft Marshmellow man.
I’m holding my head high and my middle finger a bit higher.
My baby bump popped this week, and I’m still waiting for the maternity clothes I ordered to arrive. If you see me walking around looking like Winnie the Pooh, just mind ya business.
Ian: “I baked you a pie to say sorry for backing over your cat in my car.”
Tim: “You did what?!”
Ian: “Baked you a pie.”
“Feels nice on the ol’ bits, don’t it?”
“That it do, Clyde, that it do.”
Um, so you’re god’s gift to women? So was Jesus…look what happened to him.
You may want to rethink that.
Give a man a catfish and he’ll eat for a day. Teach a man to catfish and he can have Internet boyfriends in 7 different countries.
My daughter came downstairs and gave me the last bite of her favorite candy. She’d learned to share, and I was proud.
Then her brother came downstairs asking who ate all of his candy. “WE did!” my daughter declared. She’d learned to share blame, and I was even prouder.
Scientists hard at work to find out what the other 98% of 2% milk is: “Probably not bees,” says one scientist. “Dear god what if it’s bees?”
Don’t take this the wrong way, but you’re all horrible sinners and you’re going to hell.
“This, too, shall pass,” I thought to myself after the dog swallowed a tube sock.
Day 27 without sports:
Hesitated for an inappropriately long moment before intervening in my kid’s living room brawl.
[guy named mark who successfully used his cloning machine] this is remarkable
I hope Kim and Kanye surprise everyone and name this next kid something like Bill or Jen
*suddenly pulls away from kissing* why aren’t there any female Transformers?!?
If by “exercise” you mean running down the street chasing the Taco truck , then yes I just exercised.
You see a Honda, a Toyota, a Chevy, and another Honda. I see four people who aren’t getting that parking space. Hang on.
If your tax accountant has a Yahoo email address, you’re getting audited.
Why do plane tickets have to be so expensive…you’re literally going that way anyway…just give me a ride.
Thank god madagascar 3 is coming out. Just didnt get the closure i needed with the first 2
Maybe I’m driving around with my coffee on the roof because I want to cool it down. YOU DON’T KNOW.
Donkey Kong Country: Tropical Freeze (2014)
[Funeral]
Me: “Do you mind if I say a word?”
Widow: “Please do”
Me *clears throat: “Plethora!”
Widow: “Thank you. That means a lot.”
the official breakfast of 2021
ME: Is this chicken cooked?
WAITER: Why do you ask?
ME: Because it’s just eaten my vegetables.
*waking up to dog kisses*
Good morning…such a good boy…yes I love you too…you raided the garbage again didn’t you…
Me: You come highly recommended, LOL
Drug dealer: *stabs me*