Our Father, who art in Heaven, Hallowed be thy name
But Imma call you “Hal” for short, ‘k, Chief?
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“YOU’RE DEAD TO ME”
Me on my first day as a mortician
[a Swarm of Bees requests to be your friend] um ok
[a Swarm of Bees has invited you to event “Come Outside”] what tha
“Due to the economy, we are going to have to let one of you go.” – Me to my children.
Yesterday I asked my kindergartener what she did in school and she said “nothing,” then later I went on Instagram and her teacher had posted a picture of her holding a crocodile.
ME: Hi, I have a 3 o’clock
RECEPTIONIST: Can I take your name?
ME: No. I need it for work
Pharaohs were buried with their hands crossed over their chest because of the belief there would be countless water slides in the after life.
“I’d have to say my two favorite things are sex, and not having my head bitten off.”
-soon to be disappointed praying mantis
[Our bedroom, morning]
Alarm clock: *beeps*
Wife: *presses snooze*
Alarm clock: *beeps*
Wife: OMG READ THE ROOM
My security system is just a bunch of my unpaid bills taped to my front door
Her: (Sigh) How did you burn the Thanksgiving Turkey?
Me: I followed the directions. 20 minutes a pound at 325 degrees. I weigh 175 pounds!
The only upside to Trump’s big wall is that Texas will finally get some of Banksy’s Art. Maybe like a little girl and a soldier with a gun
DIVING INSTRUCTOR: Does anyone know how to defend a shark attack?
ME: I would say the shark was just acting on instinct & couldn’t help it
[ Medical Website to retrieve your STD test results ]
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Some people will tell you mosquitoes and spiders play an important role in nature and I’m here to tell you we don’t need those people either
[Friend] Kyle, u have to stop referring to your Ballet Club as a “gang”
[Me & my gang all do 2 pirouettes and stop in unison] “Not a chance”
“I need to buy a book for school before tomorrow.”
~ Kids, at 10pm Sunday night
“I want to swim with an overweight, rich white guy before I die.”
– Dolphin bucket list.
Me to my husband: Why do you insist on bringing that up? That was in the past.
Husband: It just happened.
Me: But it was in the past.
Husband: It was five minutes ago.
Me: In. The. Past.
“Cu Later!” – a guy who wants some Copper, but not right now.
A toddler waves his stuffed snow leopard and shouts “tiger!” From my purse, I retrieve my big cat field guide to do the job his parents failed to do.
THIS SIGN MAKES ME SO HAPPY 😊😊😊
Listen buddy, I never said they were for sale. I just put the “FRESH EGGS” sign in my yard to brag
I have eaten 10 relaxation candles and I don’t feel relaxed???
My husband lost 10 lbs without trying. I’m waiting for him to apologize.
I’m fairly certain my dogs would run away and hide if I’m ever attacked by a leaf.
Me: My name is Helen and I think I may be an alcoholic
Insurance Agent: Lady this is AAA, not AA
Me: Oh I know. I’m just telling you the story of how my car ended up in a tree
Objective: Get to bathroom without engaging Boyfriend’s roommates
You know who else has a naughty list?
HR
safety message: make your coffee before assisting others with their coffee