30s: Oh look, a dance floor!
50s: Oh look, a couch!
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Married girls are so lucky. They can post anything they want on here because they already tricked some dumb guy into marrying them.
If I ever get a dog I’m going to teach him how to fetch useful things like tv remotes, iPhones and men who like red wine.
If my kids knew there was a light in the oven, they’d leave that one on too.
If Mother Earth were real she’d leave us all outside the fire station.
[the funeral of the writer of the hokey-pokey]
funeral director: why is it taking so long to get him in the coffin?
employee: well every time i put his left leg in…
Felt bad about hitting a car yesterday but I remembered to leave a note. Didn’t have a pen so I used my key.
Moses: Thanks for the mana in the desert.
God: No problem.
Moses: But since you can make anything-
God: FOR THE LAST TIME, NO PIZZA.
There’s a line in 30 rock where Kenneth mentions that the mayor of his hometown is a female horse and I just today realized a female horse is called a mare. She’s the mare of the town.
My daughter is playing “you can’t find me, Mommy”… I’m playing “I’m not trying, Suckaaaa”.
8: mommy I want to study pastrami
Me: why pastrami specifically?
8: I’m just super interested in the stars
Me: astronomy you mean astronomy
8: pretty sure it’s pastrami
Being iced in for 2 days gave me the opportunity to get so much housework done!
I didn’t do any of it.
But I certainly had the opportunity.
That awkward moment when both your knees are bruised, but all you did was gardening..
gf: i’m leaving you
me: is it because i act like i know everything?
gf: yea-
me: i knew it
– i got you these to show you how i feel about you.
– but i’m allergic to flowers.
– i know…
ME DURING BRITISH BAKE OFF EPISODE 01: so they just bake?
ME DURING BRITISH BAKE OFF EPISODE 10: alice better mind the claggy weather if she’s to produce a biscuit with a proper snap after disappointing paul with an garish proof on her loa
Interviewer: who are these people with you?
Me: My squad.
My mom and dad: *whispering* tell him about our goals.
Me: Hi. I can’t take your call right now but please leave a message.
CW: I’m standing right in front of yo…
Me: BEEEEEEEEEEEEP
Had a job interview at a mirror store today and I gotta say I could really see myself working there
[blood donor clinic]
dracula: can i order a pint please?
You never realize how many people you hate until you try to name a child.
My son thinks declaring “yuck” to every meal I prepare can break me, but he doesn’t realize academic life has hardened me from rejection. So, joke’s on him.
If I won the Mega Millions jackpot, I would pay my kids to be quiet for 5 minutes.
😂😂😂😂😂😂
Me to Kids: …and so the princess married the first person who asked her, and that’s called ‘settling,’ can you say ‘never settle,’ children?
Husband, walking in: What the- what kind of bedtime story is THAT?
Me, fleeing room: And they all lived happilyeveraftergoodnight!
3 days ago I put a sign on my door that said “I’ll be back in 20 minutes”.
Nobody has bothered me since and I’m never taking it down.
*Emerging from a ten year coma*
Dad: Well look who finally got up
My love transcends space, time, personal boundaries and several antibiotics
Teacher: What were Romans doing in year 400
Me: IDK, Roming?
mayor, handing me tissues: you do understand what a “town crier” is, yes?
Sad thing is, they probably never even gave it a chance