This is the dumbest end of the world ever.
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These 3D printers are insane!
I’m going to the gym. If you don’t hear from me again…I died.
#Caturday
How do I tell a guy that I’m only interested in him because I’d like to take selfies with his puppy?
Fine I’ll bite, what’s this sex thing everyone keeps talking about?
Me: Janet’s boyfriend reminds me of Gandhi
Wife: He looks nothing like him
Janet’s bf: [tapping on car window] Don’t forget about Gandhi
Wouldn’t it be WAY weirder if Taylor Swift DIDN’T get all excited at her boyfriend’s games? Like, what if she just sat there, stone-faced?
Grandmother clock.
I judge the strength of the economy based on what type of candy people hand out on Halloween.
At Olive Garden my 9 year old told the server, “Compliments to the chef!” Then he leaned too far and fell backward out of his chair.
“Write this down.”
[Moses grabs tablet]
“Thou shalt not steal [raises eyebrow] where did you get that tablet from?”
Next time you’re in a public bathroom and someone knocks, assert dominance by saying come in
[Seahawks locker room]
Coach: okay if we want to win we will need to have a bigger number for the score!
Wilson: well put! Well put!
(spilling my bag at the airport in an attempt to show off) oh sorry lol these are just my Hot Wheels
I think all the people named Shawn, Sean and Shaun should fight onto death and the winner gets to keep the name.
[IKEA meatball recipe]
1/2 lb ground beef
1/2 cup cream
1 small onion finely chopped
4 allen wrenches
20 minute argument
2 tbsp butter
lingonberry or some shit
you’re doing it wrong
salt to taste
just let me do it
The man that loves to eat on a lounger by the pool is a manipooleater
“Mmmm Brians”
– a dyslexic or gay zombie
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Wife: Let me do the talking
Cop: No, I’ll do the talking
Me: Why is your wife even with you
Cop: There you go, I said this would happen
Time for evil
classic mixup
Houston, we have a problem
Houston: new phone who dis
[shopping]
May I help you find something?
“Where are the giants?“
What?
“Your sign outside says there’s a giant sale.“
DNA doesn’t make you a parent. Stepping on a lego guy on your way to the bathroom at 3 am does
If I could hop as high as a frog in relation to the size of my body that would not be a very safe or useful superpower but goddamn would it be fun
[7:00:00am] *opening eyes* today is gonna be a great day!!! 😀
[7:00:01am] wait no
[7:00:02am] hold o—
[7:00:03am] stop
If I were a werewolf I wouldn’t have to chain myself up at night because I don’t like going out anyway.
My youngest daughter is blowing relentlessly on a recorder
So you can understand what level of stabby I am right now
High heels are beautiful and sexy until you wear them for 5 minutes and want to throw them against a wall.