The neighbors on either side of us have both mowed their lawns twice this week. I think we’re in the middle of a turf war.
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I have determined there is no quiet way to get a pan out of a cabinet in the morning
Interviewer: your resume says you’re very literal
Me: my resume talks??
My day planner
1. Wake up
2. Eat
3. Wait to eat
4. Eat
5. Wait to eat
6. Eat
7. Wait to sleep
8. Sleep
Trying to not lose my SHIT as someone in the office kitchen continues to call Thomas the Tank Engine “Thomas the Train”
If I won the lottery, I wouldn’t go nuts. Probably buy some printer ink, and with what was left over, maybe an avocado.
My local spa has an oxygen room, which begs the question: what the heck is in all the other rooms?
Auto correct changed “group hug” to “grope hug” and I’m not in charge of the team-building exercises any more.
Detective: Where were you at 8:30 p.m. on. . .
Me: Twitter
No matter the situation you can always count on me to help*
*instantly make it worse
My husband and I ran out of toothpaste a month ago and neither of us said anything out loud but we’re both waiting on the other to buy more. The silver lining is we are finally making a dent in 15 years of travel-sized toothpaste containers from the dentist.
replaced rob thomas’ Smooth microphone with a dilly bar. a refreshing treat for our sweltering king.
Welcome to your 40s: here’s another chin, have a nice day.
Social distancing does not mean go chill at your friends house
Brought home almond milk from the grocery store
My bf: You know, if you like nut milk you could….
Me: No
Told my coworker I want a dragon. He said I’m crazy for wanting anything that might set all my shit on fire but he’s the one that’s married.
[Police station]
Me: “Not sure what why you guys arrested me. I guess I just have one of those faces. Huh.”
Cop: “That’s right buddy, and if we don’t get it back to the transplant center by noon, they won’t be able to operate. So hand it over, capiche?”
space horror is the best horror. what’s out there? no one knows! big rocks. creepy things. sticky things. math! stuff on fire. big holes. big holes with math in them.
Oh, your kid gets straight A’s at school? That’s cool. My son knows exactly what to do in case of a zombie apocalypse.
I shutter to think of all the things my neighbors have seen me do through their blinds.
The reason Twitter shows “Twitter for iPhone” or “Twitter for Android” is because Jesus will use it later to decide who goes to heaven. Android users obviously.
I tried watching Inception with Twitter on. I still don’t know what Juno was doing in their dreams.
I have the dance moves of a dog with mittens on its paws.
[On the phone with my MIL while the kids are staying with her for several days]
MIL: So, do you think you could be an empty nester?
Me (In bed at 10:30am with a package of Oreos scrolling Twitter): Oh I don’t know, I would miss them so much
[first day of creation]
GOD: *stuck in traffic* oh no I’m not gonna make the light
Most people who think I’m a nice person have no idea that I’d trade any one of my kids for a deep dish pizza.
The owner of my AirBnB has a dog named Kevin. His human-sounding name terrified me at first.
[on a date]
Me: so how bout *seductively takes a bite of an orange* we go to my place
Date: you’re supposed to peel that first
My wife got four more Christmas presents for the dog than she did for me.
a man in whole foods asked how i was doing and i said ok how are you and he said “it is beautiful in my soul today” and that’s why i never go to whole foods
Yelp review: Dating
You have to brush your hair and leave the house. Most places won’t let you bring your cat.
Would not recommend.