For about 2 seconds, when you run a red light, it’s like you stole your own car.
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On the first day of Christmas my 2yo gave to me…
A cold that will last all week
Wow, the Fire Marshall really has no sense of humor these days.
The British are coming! Get ready! Oh wait they’re coming by boat. We have like three months
theres been a horrible success at the accident factory
accidentally left my turn signal on for a couple minutes so now i’m going back and turning at all the places i indicated i would
Being a mom in your 40s is putting a timer in your phone to remind yourself to be the tooth fairy.
A car says a lot about the owner. I have a KIA which tells people I have bad credit.
i just want a guy i can call papi (not in the grandpa way)
ten years ago we had Jason Shoes, Carl Shirt and Daniel Problem. now we have no shoes no shirt no problem welcom to dennys what can i get u
{during sex}
Her: are you eating a taco?
Me: *wiping taco shell crumbs off her back* what?
Not to brag or anything, but I got the high score on my scale today.
I hate how Pinterest highlights that some moms make pancakes that look like animals when I can’t even make pancakes that look like pancakes.
Answers phone breathlessly
Friend: Sorry!! Didn’t know you had company
Me: I was washing floors
F: Oh…is that the new code?
Me: No…
everyone make a new friend so you don’t get assigned to David
*walks into interview*
Thanks for coming in today. I’m Mr. Maballsonya, but please call me Phil.
*walks out of interview*
“Kids today are pathetic” is NOT a good take from the generation raising today’s kids. It’s like giving a bad Yelp review to the restaurant you run.
If I could time travel, I’d grab English major me in college & say, “Look, books will nourish your soul but take an appliance repair class.”
You know what? I’m sick of your attitude.
*Unfrenches your fries*
Any atheists here can confirm if this is true?
Daughter: Daddy, why do I have to go to school every day?
Me: Because they watch you for free for 7 hours
If someone ever asks you to show up naked underneath a trench coat at their hotel…make sure you get the room number right.
*putting dead animal heads on the walls*
People will like this!
[on a date]
Her: *sneezes*
Me: God-
Her: *sneezes* Thank you
Me: -dammit, what’s taking the food so long?
me: stop calling me names!
bully: shut up names
Does anybody want a cat? Free to a good or average home
⚠️ Important Reminder:
Saving Private Ryan but it’s just me retrieving my daughters favourite toy that she’s dropped down the toilet
In my defense, it was my first eulogy. I assumed it was supposed to rhyme.
[my gf actually turns into a worm]
me: oh my god. it’s ok, i’ll still go out with you
my worm gf: [sees a cool worm wearing a leather jacket] i think we should see other people
Boss: Where’d you go??
Me: I got all the way up front and realized I forgot my pen.
Boss: Okay?
Me: So I went to lunch.