HR: Do you know why we called you in here today?
Me: I’m not taking off my Batman suit, sir.
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The accuracy #BlowsMyMind
Why on earth would anyone even buy a deathbed?
“You’re a HORRIBLE parent!”
– my daughter because I won’t let her use a chainsaw to make a treehouse.
Turns out inside one of the IKEA sofa boxes was actually a marriage counselor.
Stop paying your bills and you’ll get the customer service you’re looking for.
Whenever a long lost friend calls me, I get suspicious & wonder if he’s calling me to sell Amway products..
According to my wife I’m the best at driving over every pothole when she has to pee.
I think the Monday after Sunday should always be a day off.
I got fired from my job as a diesel
fitter in a panties factory.We would hold the panties up,
inspect them and say “Dese’ll fit her”
job interviewer: do you consider yourself a good listener?
me: 5 years? in 5 years i hope i’ll be dead
Her: “I want you to have this bracelet that belonged to my grandfather.”
Me: “Why does it say ‘Do Not Resuscitate’ on it?”
[end of a date]
her: we should have dinner again
me: thanks but I’m full
Finally watching Michael Bay’s TMNT. Best part so far is a dude answering a Skype call and yelling “How did you get this number?!?”
Danny: I got chills, there multiplying.
Sandy: *they’re
I switched to brown eggs but can barely taste the chocolate. Huge disappointment.
[texting my fiancé the night before our wedding] are we still on for tomorrow
assistant: sir, profits have decreased by 50%
shrink ray company CEO: excellent
I have decided to keep my uncomfortable home office chair
This encourages me to spend less time in it
Brazone : when a woman wants you to always support her, but gets rid of you the moment she is home and comfortable.
[any baby is born]
society: first thing we gotta do is teach it animal sounds
Locked in the target…STRIKE! 👀😏😂🐕
#MarriedPeopleIssues
You hang up..
No, you hang up…
You hang up….
Noooo, you hang up. They’re your clothes. I’m not your maid.
I replace all the family pictures my coworkers have on their desks with pictures of baby sloths and suddenly I need professional help?!?
Calling a movie “Psycho” ruins the surprise because you know there’s going to be a psycho in it. It should have been called “Normal, Maybe”
My husband is outside talking to people. Tonight, he will be outside sleeping.
Never Never Never tell someone you are patient.
They will test you…
My phone died, so I was forced to “print” a physical copy of my boarding pass, just like The Wright Brothers used to in the olden days
never seen my husband madder than the time i snuck on his facebook and blindly ‘liked’ every single post on the feed for 10 minutes