I like to ask strangers in line at the DMV to guess my weight just so I can see what I can get away with putting on my license.
You Might Also Like
I once dated a woman that said I used to much garlic and I got rid of that vampire right quick
A couple of years ago, I convinced my son I don’t know how to clap. He’s been trying to teach me ever since. I’m hoping I can keep this going til I stand up and slow clap during his high school graduation
Love how you can tuck a kid in normally and come back 20 minutes later and find their leg over their head, their foot in their mouth and their pajamas on the floor
2019: The floor is lava.
2020: The year is lava.
[being murdered]
me: this is free, right?
If you love something, set it free. If it comes back to you, then you love a boomerang.
[Creation]
ANGEL: Ok, bats are done. We just need to decide how they sleepGOD: [on his phone] Hang on
ANGEL: [writing] Bit weird but ok
On a ladder putting a cinema poster up.
Lady said “Is King Kong Coming?”
I said “No it’s just the paste off my brush”
Sometimes I get so wrapped up in my own problems that I forget there are people having real fights on the internet.
ad for letuce:
do u- hey do u ever wish u coud eat water
Her: “Want to see a picture of my baby?” Me: “Does it look like a baby?” Her: “Yes…” Me: “Seen it”
Drop it! Please, just DROP IT.
– My dog, whenever I’m eating.
A thing I learned at this week’s staff meeting is that I have restless leg syndrome when I sleep.
Sylvester Stallone is looking more and more like G.I Joe doll put in a microwave on high for twenty minutes
The loudest sound ever recorded was the volcanic eruption of Krakatoa, so named after the 2nd loudest, someone stubbing their foot on a coffee table.
It’s always “Why aren’t you married yet?” And never “I have an old rich friend on the verge of death I’d like to introduce you to.”
[speed dating]
Her: I’m a little bit country.
Me: I’m a little bit ready for the next person.
[Casually trying to figure out if the hot dude at my gym is old enough for me to hit on] what war do you most associate with your time in elementary school
Let he who is without sin cast the first stone if you want babies throwing rocks everywhere. Dangerous.
Any grown man whose mustache is a different color than his head hair is automatically qualified to be the conductor of a magical train.
Me: Hey, I love your outfit! Where’d you get it?
Store mannequin:
Heckling someone at their third wedding automatically removes you from their fourth wedding invitee list
The more you know
Me: Ah, the elusive white penny
Cashier: That’s a button
Party hack: Let your guests know it’s time to leave by having your child play a musical instrument.
Using my new fishing technique I have taunted all the fish in the pond that if they weren’t stupid dumb cowards they would come on land and fight me. Now, we wait.
*a town in which the production of little marshmallow treats has been banned*
mayor: i don’t want another peep out of any of you
crazy
I like to take a store-bought cake to a potluck and joke that I made it myself. As if people could actually make their own cakes!
I’m just a girl standing in front of a boy asking him to stop eating all the snacks I bought for school lunches dammit.
People who like green: it’s a good color
People who like orange: it’s a good color
People who like purple: Purple is my life. I dress purple, I glow purple, I eat and drink purple. If you come into my house and insult purple, I will personally tear you limb from limb