Wrong hole.
Wrong hole.
Wrong hole.
Wrong hole.
-trying to put on my distressed denim jeans
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Our sport needs a name
“Does it use a ball?”
No it’s more of an oblon–
“Do u move it with ur foot?”
No it’s mostly thro–
“Football”
Perfect!
Some call me Mike while others call me Jesus Christ, Mike.
My father in law drank four cartons of milk in less than six days, so I’ve decided we’ll need to ditch him pretty early on in the apocalypse.
Who called it your foot falling asleep and not coma toes?
To the person who got hold of my voodoo doll.
Stop feeding it!
#Fitness #Diet #RubbishJokes
#SaturdayMorning
I’M GONNA OWN THIS YEAR!!!
*buys goldfish
*calls it ‘This Year’.
captain: enemy sub approaching, activate the sauna
1st mate: dont you mean sonar
captain (already in towel): full steam ahead
A girl’s tinder bio said “I would die without food” uh okay me too
I just need to go ahead and admit it.
I’m not mature enough to live in a state called Idaho
Marriage is about understanding what irritates your spouse and using it strategically.
FUN FACT: next time you ask someone to pass a roll of toilet paper to you under a bathroom stall door gently grasp their hand and challenge them to a thumb war. They legally have to accept.
Of course women need more pockets, where are we supposed to hold all of our grudges?
My calendar says I have 18 meetings left this week. Time to go lick Maria in accounting; she’s coming down with flu.
me: i love pillow talk
pillow: hello
me: what the hell
Whenever I see a dog in a movie, none of the rest of the movie makes sense.
Why are you dealing with all this conflict and drama?
WHY AREN’T YOU AT HOME WITH YOUR DOG??
Boss:my office, now!
Me:*to myself* dont be about Twitter dont be about Twitter
B:we’ve had a sexual harassment complaint
M:Oh thank God!
I’m not saying it is your fault, I said I’m blaming you.
If you yell “DIE” when killing a spider, it dies faster.
PROCTOLOGIST: *removes thermometer* ok this isn’t good
ME: what
PROCTOLOGIST: it’s not the one I put in there
My boys are all taking a week break from electronics. This morning I introduced myself to them and showed them around our home. then I took them outside and showed them the big bright light in the sky.
[hours after first date]
HER: *on phone* yeah i went on the date but he was creepy.
*i’m just sitting outside her bedroom window in shock*
I hate handshakes. The bones really mess up the blender and the knuckles are hard to swallow.
4 year old: Why is this stuffed animal here? My bed’s only for unicorns
Me: It’s a triceratops. He’s like a triple unicorn. Totally cool
4 year old: He’s just a stupid dinosaur, put him away
Me: Unicorns are fake they’re bullshit
Sorry I followed your minivan for an hour. I got caught up in the movie your kids were watching and wanted to see how it ends.
Parenthood is so crazy. We’re really out here getting bullied by the people we made.
In order to catch herpes…
You need to think like a herpe.
Her: It would really mean a lot to my mother if you came
Me *pulling out*: I know she wants grandkids but we’re not ready
[David Attenborough voice]
and although the female human is no longer hungry she returns once more to the fridge.
Her: why are u breaking up with me
Me: *changing PowerPoint slides* I’ll take questions at the end Jen