Scooby Doo led me to believe there would be a LOT more abandoned amusement parks and old people pretending to be ghosts.
So Disappointed.
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[Australian recipe for upside down cake]
1: make cake
*walks past yoga studio*
*looks in window*
*eyes widen*Awesome. It’s like kindergarten.
*walks into class*
*unrolls mat*
*takes a nap*
Meatloaf was so named because of his incredible likeness to his father, Meatlo.
I caught a wild peeve, but it’s always bothered me when people make pets of things so I let it go.
My son hasn’t clocked that his little sister has a birthday almost exactly 9 months after his. He was a complete bellend at his 6th birthday party so me and his mum got rotten that night and ended up making our lives even harder.
[sexting]
HER: I want u so bad
ME: badly
HER: what?
ME: badly…not bad…it should be an adverb
HER: you don’t sext very good
ME: you mean I don’t sext very WELL
sometimes, late at night, i’ll look up at the stars and wonder if you’re also stealing lawn furniture.
People with little chains that go from a nose piercing to an earring probably just got sick of losing their ears.
says those 3 little words that get any woman hot and bothered: “the ac’s broken”
Go home, Twitter. You’re drunk.
Can’t afford the chiropractor so I’m just going to lay down in the road and hope for the best.
*Viewing apartments
Estate agent: I know it’s not particularly big but…
Me: Not big?! The only way I’m living here is if it comes with a letter from Hogwarts
It sucks when you & your pal show up at a party wearing the same shirt…and an hour in, his chest hair starts sticking to your back.
If you walk around eating a potato like an apple, no one will bother you.
Bro are you joking? Are you being a court jester right now? Dude, are you jumping around in your jingly jangly hat bro?
I am not a tomboy. I am 32yrs old. I am a full grown thomasman.
A world without racism exists in traffic. The anger, cursing and honking is truly based on the ability to drive, not the content of the car.
When I put my mind to something I can procrastinate about anything.
I wonder how much deeper the ocean would be without sponges. 🤔
Never underestimate the power of a group of idiots.
When the priest reads my eulogy, I want the first line to be “Personally, I never liked this asshole”.
im always more attracted to women wearing glasses, like deep down i know naturally poor eyesight provides my best chances
Last night my mom made dinner, serving up a nice plate of “You had so much potential” with a steaming side of “You shoulda married Jeff.”
1974: 3 hours to buy a movie ticket.
1989: Welcome to Movie-Fone!
2017: *streams Star Wars on toilet*
We got about 5-6 inches of snow here in the last 24 hrs, or, according to men, we got 8 inches.
When life hands you a komodo dragon suddenly the times you got lemons seem pretty cool.
[first date]
Him: What are you passionate about?
Me: *bats eyelashes* Taxidermy.
Him: Animals?
Me: Haha. Sure…
If our kids tweeted about us the way we do about them: “45 is on twitter fighting with 41 and 43 about 37 again if you wanna know how my day is going.”
Is it proper etiquette to place your phone to the left or right of your silverware at the dinner table?