My great grandmother used say that things were better in Russia before the revolution, but I think she was being Tsarcastic.
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I never take my glasses off unless I’m sleeping or in the shower or sleeping in the shower
I’m sorry I joined the zoom with my flames of hell background
JESUS: so I’m u
GOD: yes
JESUS: and ur me
GOD: yes
JESUS: I don’t get it
GOD: I do
JESUS: how can one of us get it & not the other
GOD: whoa
“So You Were Trying to Be Polite But Now He Wants to Wear Your Skin As Pajamas: A Woman’s Guide to the Internet”
When the internet is down I turn my bed into a make-believe boat and play Life of Pi with the cat
Whenever I hear snapping, I always fear I’m walking into a battle between rival gangs from West Side Story.
I’m still thinking about some great eye contact I got last week. You know when your eyes lock and you both stop talking and just gaze?
Ugh.
Then he kept looking from my left eye to my right eye, back and forth like he was trying to enter my soul through my retinas.
Good stuff.
(during sex)
Don’t move! Don’t move! A pickle and the second of my two all-beef patties is stuck in your hair.
Just found out that “3 Men and a Baby” isn’t a movie about Jesus’s birth.
Me: I wish I had a nickname.
Coworker: You do.
If you haven’t told your kids that wine is made out of whiny children then congratulations I guess you’re a better parent than me.
ANGEL: the humans need a model for how they should treat you…
GOD: [creates dog]
ANGEL: …and for how they actually do
GOD: [creates cat]
1995: oh cool, an online book store
2025: “please scan this qr code and take a brief survey in order to flush your toilet”
[Restaurant]
Me *has a sip and nods at date* yes, that’s fine, we’ll have a bottleWaiter: One ketchup coming up
Putting the word “rage” in everything you say you’re doing makes you sound more productive
I’m rage cleaning the house
I’m rage working this project
I’m rage homeschooling the kids
I’m rage drinking tequila
me: sweet chainmail
knight: thanks tell six of your friends or I’ll kill you
Why do I hear my husband encouraging our youngest to be a goalie? Is my anxiety not quite crippling enough for him?
Is divorce spelled with one bottle of champagne or two?
WIFE: I got us this new candle
ME: sweet. What flavor is it?
W: don’t you mean ‘what scent is it?’
ME (with a mouthful of candle wax): What?
I just learned that there’s a porn genre that involves being fucked and fed junk food at the same time so I guess this is “goodbye.”
If using your 4yo as a remote control to fetch things makes you a bad parent, then I’m a bad parent…
A bad parent with an ice cold beer.
i BuILt a dEViCE sO yOu CAn efFoRTLesSly sEnD PasSIvE agGreSsiVe emAILs liKE tHiS.
On a road trip passing a billboard that says live girls dancing daily.
My daughter’s voice from the backseat, “wow, that’s a lot of recitals.”
Assorted bandaid box-
3 in a size you need
12 you can make work
35 round to weigh box down
There are innumerable mental health benefits of spending time in nature, but that doesn’t mean coming into the forest and screaming “fix my life” at the trees.
Try that* in a small town.
*not joining a pyramid scheme run by an ex cheerleader.
TT: At sunday dinner I like to perform an impromptu puppet show with the roast chicken. This week it’s my interpretation of Die Hard 2.
[During sex]
Me: I know you want me to be “naughty”, but I can barely breathe in this Hamburglar costume.
Favstar is like that uncle we all
have, he never works, but comes
around every few months asking
for money.
Picture someone chasing down a ping pong ball that fell on the floor.
Ok that’s how I dance.