Forgot the word ‘flyswatter’ so I just called it a death spatula
You Might Also Like
Turns out my teen wanted to leave for school early so we’d have time to watch Netflix in the car and not because she was eager to get to school. I know this now.
When I woke my son up, he growled at me and I was like, “First of all, you need to get ready for school, and second of all, you raise a good point.”
One of my biggest fears is the serial killer saying something funny while I play dead.
Dentist: “And do you floss?”
Me: “Yes!”
My 5yo who had to come to my appointment with me: “No you don’t.”
I’m telling everyone I have corona so I’ve got 14 days of not being bothered.
90% of marriage is one person looking for something where the other said it would be and yelling that it’s not there
Me: * tastes dog treats*
Stalker: frickin weirdo
Watching Escape to the Country. A couple with a budget of 600,000 looking for a house in the Chilterns.
First house: they want the kitchen at the back so they can open it up and extend it. For Hugo.
They want an extra reception room. For Hugo.
They want more space than a 60ft garden offers. For Hugo.
Hugo is one. Yes, one year old.
My resolve to not swear is being severely tested.
Dear Religion,
Pics or it didn’t happen.
Love, Science
it’s always a fun time when a wrong number texts you
breaking into your house and inventorying your pantry so you know what you need the next time you go to costco
For a while after my wife left me I found it really difficult to listen to any of ‘our’ songs. She’d taken the entire CD collection with her.
If you don’t kiss the one ring, Fredo will throw you in the fires on top of Old Smokey
Hate when Walmart doesn’t have what I need & I have to go home, change out of my pajamas & brush my hair so I can go to Target
Me high af: are you in line?
Mannequin:
Me: So tired. So weak. Is this the coronavirus?
My body: The only vegetable you’ve had in weeks was on a pizza.
Me: Why me? I’m so young, so new to this earth
Body: You slept 20 total hours last week.
Me: Oh mortality, so cruel, so dark.
Body: Maybe drink water? Just once
If you dated Taylor Swift and had a bad breakup and then she *didn’t* write a song about you, I bet that would hurt even more.
My wife bought me a nice jacket at a second hand store but it has the name Bubba embroidered on it, I guess I’m Bubba now.
BANK WEBSITES: This transaction may take 2-3 business days to process.
Oh, ok, are the computers on vacation, or what?
I either text back right away or never, because I saw your text, replied in my head but forgot to actually type it.
COP: Is this man bothering you ma’am?
ME: She’s my wife
MY WIFE: [mouthing and nodding yes behind me]
Sometimes I look at my children and think, “I helped make those,” and then I just want to apologize for what I’ve unleashed on the world.
A new report claims 90% of fish could be wiped out in a mass extinction. On the plus side – it will make it much easier to find Nemo.
absolutely crushed dolphin wordle
Tried belly dancing but ended up looking like an insect about to die.
I bet that new show goes through dragon handlers pretty quickly.
When tragedy strikes your community, McDonald’s will still be there to take your money.
A dog barks in the distance. I look over at my own dogs.
“See how annoying that is?”
I cleaned out my teen’s room and I found 8 plates, 21 utensils, a TV remote, 8 chapsticks, a burner phone and apparently we have a cat.
her: does an apple a day really keep the doctor away
me: *flicks cigarette butt* u ever seen a horse at the ER Karen