My ex wife’s husband is a pretty cool guy. I’m looking forward to the day she ruins his life so we can talk about what a bitch she is.
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Well, this certainly took a turn
Ruin your teen’s day by singing the wrong words to their favorite song.
Rap: MONEY GUNS & SEX
Rock: DRUGS & SEX
Country: BEER GOD & SEX
Pop: PARTIES GIRLS & ALCOHOL
Dubstep: BWA BWA BABWAA
Sean Paul: SEAN PAUL!
Me: “daft punk broke up”
My gf: “i didnt know they were dating”
[Nightcap]
Me: *giving tour* and this is my room.
Her: It’s….a….nice.
Me: Let me stop you there. The He-man sheets are purely decorative and in no way a reflection of my prowess in bed.
DR DOG: Please remove your shoes & step on the scale
PATIENT: Ok
DR DOG: I’ll be right back *carries the shoes out of the room in his mouth*
If tennis rules were chasing the ball and bringing it to your opponent without letting him have it, my dog would be the best in the world.
What they say:
Want a bite of my sandwich?What I hear:
How much of this sandwich can you fit in your mouth?
The human mind is capable of things you can’t even imagine.
Which is a bit of a design flaw really.
Petition to bring back payphones in public places. I don’t want to give my kid a phone, I want to give him a quarter.
13 years of marriage and my husband has never asked me to make him a salad
When does he ask for one? During a pandemic when we’ve run out of vegetables and grocery pick up is in three days
Interviewer: Your resume only has “Mad” under “Skills”
Me: Yeah boyee
Interviewer: *tears up* You’re just what we need. Welcome to Subway.
Having a dog around pretty much denies any opportunity to take advantage of the 5 second rule on a dropped chip
FBI: If you testify you’ll have to go into the Witness Protection Program
ME: I’ll do it
FBI: Your wife and kids too
ME: Oh ok never mind
Top three Eagles albums:
1.
2.
3. The one with that California song
*1941 movie pitch*
“So it’s about an elephant w/big ears and we call him stupid then torture his mother.”
Walt Disney, “I smell a winner.”
walmart: why do u want to work here?
me: it’s easier to steal if the employees trust me
walmart: why would u tell us that
me: *slowly taking their pen* to build trust
[Arranging a date]
Her: OK how does 4 o’clock sound?
Him: [Through megaphone] DONG DONG DONG DONG
I’m sick and tired of people not appreciating the magic that is baking soda. Have a stain? Baking soda. Have a pimple? Baking soda. Making cookies? Baking soda. Accidentally caused a small kitchen fire making cookies? BAKING SODA!
ME: [brutally murdered by police for no reason]
MEDIA: Man Involved in Yesterday’s Curfuffle Had Troubling History of Pot Use and Cursing
Me: But I’m sweaty, I’m anxious, my heart rate is up
Doctor: This is the 3rd visit I’ve had to tell you I can’t treat being offended online
I’ve never dated a man for his mind, but I would if I ever met a man that had one.
I think marriage should be between a robot and a spider horse because I’m a retarded man child and this is what I bring to the conversation.
Turns out you can only accidentally email your boss a photo of a puffin once. Twice and it’s ‘on purpose’.
13: mum, I fell in P.E and hurt my leg… and Chloe saw me face plant.
Me: aw, baby, don’t be embarrassed… it happens.
13: I know, mum… I got up, looked her dead in the eye, and said “look at that, Chloe, I scraped my knee falling for you!”
Do I fail parenting now?
Don’t over-share.
Don’t over-share.
Don’t over-share.
Don’t over-share.
Don’t over-share.HI I’M A NERVOUS POOPER.
… Nailed it!
The circus serves as a great analogy for marriage. You’re either walking the tightrope or holding a chair because you told her to calm down.
Escape rooms are a fun way to discover you’re the dumbest in your friend group
[2 days into diet]
Gluten: come back baby I promise I’ll change
Your wife is beautiful, is she single?