[Cave, present day]
Archeologist [Finding a cave painting]
Wow! This is incredible![Cave, thousands of years ago]
Caveman [Finding paint smeared on wall]
What the…KIIIIIIIDDDDS!
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[takes deep breath, whispers to self]
“Be brave, you got this”Me: The Nacho Everest Platter please
Waiter: Ma’am, that is for 4 people
Me: Sir, I don’t like your tone
My kids still haven’t started school yet and I can’t wait to get them out of my house I mean get their education started.
[Block Party]
Me: The Johnsons brought hotdogs.
Host: Just toss them on the fire.
[Later]
Host: Why are the hotdogs still frozen?
Me: Good news! We won’t have to worry about the Johnsons playing loud music at night!
Me to my toddler: Listen up, small human. Here are some farm animal sounds you should learn to prepare you to climb the corporate ladder.
I broke up with a guy because he killed a horse on Skyrim.
Sure you call it a college fund for your kid, yet deep in your heart you know it’s bond money.
How come Satan always seems to know exactly what I like?
live, laugh, laundry.
Waiter: would you like another drink before I bring you the check?
Me: holy shit how bad is it?!
I’m so forgetful, I swear I’d lose my own head if it wasn’t attached with this black velvet ribbon which you must never, ever, ever touch.
at my girlfriend’s house for thanksgiving and i asked if we could watch the game and she said “of course!” then put on a gossip girl thanksgiving episode
Destroying entire ecosystems by cleaning out my car
Acid rain is total bullshit. I stood in it for hours and didn’t even hallucinate one time.
‘I have a ripe avocado at home’ is my favorite excuse for cancelling plans
oh sorry i cant im busy that day
[hears baby crying]
Wife: can you go check on him
Me: there’s no way he’s finished in the bath already
[God making a planet for the first time and just constantly screwing things up]
Ugh, first world problems.
If we can land on Mars then we can figure out how to get someone else to go to the bathroom for me I’m not discussing this further
Welcome to your 40’s where the small print appears to have gotten a lot smaller!
As a seasoned negotiator, I’ve created a complex list of demands that my children must complete before I’ll buy myself a foosball table. I mean buy them a foosball table
[5 mins after seeing our neighbour’s new boat]
wife: “everything’s a competition to you”
me: [trying to find the moon on eBay] “no it’s not”
three things we don’t talk about
I don’t wanna get too political here, but I plan on voting for whichever candidate will do something about Meghan Trainor.
[pet shop]
ME: I’m looking for a dog that can talk
OWNER: Try this one
ME: [to dog] Can you talk?
DOG: No
ME: My search continues
TWITTER REHAB IS GOING GOOD YOU GUYS I GOT A NEW FRIEND HE HAS SPECIAL SUGAR AND IT’S AWESOME AND MY YARD HAS 3,957,268 BLADES OF GRASS!!!!
[news anchor]
“New study shows that sex can lower blood pressure.”
Me: Did-
Wife: Your blood pressure is fine
Pocahontas: Did you just give me a fake name?
John Smith: …
An older woman in front of me demanded her drink get remade because her barista was Asian.
When I tried to inform her how irrational that request was, she turned and sneered, “are YOU Chinese?”
I replied, “no, but your ugly-ass knockoff purse is.”
Shut your racist asses up.
My boss on Zoom: “Joe you been quiet today. Do you want to say anything?”
Me: “Betty White passed away so she could come back as Rihanna’s baby”
My boss: “Gang that’s my fault I should know better”