me, angry: I’m LEAVING-
doorknob: nope *catches purse strap*
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here we see Penny the diving kitty mid-triple pike, let’s see if she lands this one Steve
therapist: *holds up inkblot test* what do u see
me: a therapist with no professional boundaries shoving their shitty art into my face
therapist: please take this seriously.
me: ok it’s a car
therapist: no it’s us holding hands :/
Is this you?
Him: You smell nice. What is that?
Me: [twirling my hair] Cough drops
They grow up so quick
‘Pop Goes The Weasel’ is my favourite song about over-inflating your mammals.
I love Buzzfeed because all the headlines are something a drunk girl would say right before passing out. “Um did you know corgis can wink??”
“I’ll sleep when I’m dead” – me, before having kids
“I will murder someone for a nap”- me now
Just heard someone refer to their dog as their daughter. If I’d known I could pull that bullshit off I never would have had an actual child.
“Are you going to be part of the problem or part of the solu— ”
Me: Oh problem, definitely
“That wasn’t… it was a rhetorica— ”
Me: I have some ideas on how to make the problem even funnier than it is
(credit Morgz, account missing)
[late to work]
boss: well ??
me: (panicking) uhh my car got stuck in the suez canal
My southern mother passive-aggressively reorganized my refrigerator in the ten minutes she was left alone with it and now I can’t find the cream cheese
Pretty messed up that every year I swallow 8 spiders.
And none of them ever call me again.
You can use the phrase “lickity split” as much as you want at work and they can’t fire you.
[first day as a bartender]
*garnishes all vodka drinks with a raw potato slice*
Put your family down and pay attention to your phone.
I’ve done all the cleaning and ironing but I’ve forgot why I broke into this house in the first place.
current fitness level: can you spot me while I pick up this blanket?
Me, on the phone, in the middle of a story –
my dad: “All right, here’s your mother”
Having a tattoo in a hidden place is really just entertainment for the coroner.
i forgot to mention those pills i gave you might turn you into a sloth
[jim is typing]
[jim is typing]
[jim is typing]
[jim is typing]
“ok”
“Haiku is 5 syllables, 7 syllables, then 5 syllables”
No, it’s literally 2 syllables
Step1) Buy 100 cans of tuna
Step2) Drain the cans into a bucket
Step3) Soak ur cloths in the tuna water
Step4) Go outside & get all the cats
My Christmas letter this year includes a bonus DVD of my colonoscopy.
[invention of spaghetti]
Inventor: i made them very long
Wife: they still fit in a pot though right?
Inventor: lol no why
Coworker: Pass your random drug test?
Me: With flying colors!
CW: Really?
Me. So many colors!
CW: You’re high right now aren’t you?
M: Your cover gets blown on every mission, James. Perhaps you should use better aliases.
James Bond: I should use better what now?
wife: Why is there a mousetrap in the fridge!?
me [whispers to toddler] Why is there a mousetrap in the fridge?
toddler [whispers] Because that’s where the cheese is
me: Because that’s where the cheese is!
A baby bear catches snowflakes.
Dude 1: “Hey bro?”
Dude 2: “Yeah bro?”
Dude 1: “Can you hand me that pamphlet?”
Dude 2: “Brochure”