[guy in dark alley]
Psst. Hey, lady…
*opens trench coat*
CHECK OUT-
*dozens of bibles fall out*
-our Lord and savior Jesus Christ
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My toddler is practicing counting by dropping chocolate chips in my mouth and this is the kind of math I can get on board with
[First date]
“So, do you have any pets?”
Yeah, I have a pet crow. He’s white.
“You have an albino crow?”
He prefers the term cawcasian.
My signature move at family dinners is waiting for someone to put their drink down at the table & then moving it when they go to the buffet.
Me: Hi, what’s a good school binder for my 10yo girl here?
Clerk: Trapper Keeper?
Me: Haha, no, she’s my own daughter.
My brain: I will not pick this pimple
My brain: I will not pick this pimple
My brain: I will not pick this pimpleMy fingers: so we did a thing
much to think about
I am your dream girl if your dream girl suddenly dissapears into plumes of feathers and occasionally seeks vengeance against a betraying human by turning them into an oak tree. Also may or may not steal entire baguettes off window sills.
Dad, the Easter Bunny should know that I don’t like Rolos but he puts them in my basket every year.
Me: (eating a Rolo) Yeah, that’s weird.
KIDNAPPER: all of my demands are on the table
POLICE CAT: for now
I wear my tattoos on the inside. Ever since having discount back surgery from a guy named “Spider.”
Space could be filled with vampires, but we would never know, because telescopes use mirrors.
when the next drug dog retires can I have it cause I straight up do not remember where I put this bag
For as much as they teach you “Stop, Drop, and Roll” as a kid, I really expected to be on fire at least once in my life.
My teacher always said not to worry about correct spelling, because we have autocorrect.
And for that I am infernally grapefruit.
Your eyes may say yes, but your eyebrows are screaming “I will boil your bunny the minute you ignore me!”
Wizard of Oz (1939): A hapless teen suffering from head trauma is led down the wrong path to cosplay, heroin, organ harvesting and ultimately, homicide.
┏┓
┃┃╱╲ in
┃╱╱╲╲ this
╱╱╭╮╲╲house
▔▏┗┛▕▔ we
╱▔▔▔▔▔▔▔▔▔▔╲
wash our hands
╱╱┏┳┓╭╮┏┳┓ ╲╲
▔▏┗┻┛┃┃┗┻┛▕▔
My patience is like a gift card, not sure how much is left but lets give it a try
Remember when you were small & all you wanted was a pony but your parents were high on meth & thought the house was already full of ponies?
Engraved on my tombstone:
No matter how the ground shakes
or what you hear,
please do not dig me up.Especially at night.
What do the films Titanic and 6th Sense have in common?
Icy dead people….. please don’t unfollow me
My new years resolution is to stop biting my toenails. Nervous habit I picked up during all these meetings at work.
It may be autocorrect, but I’m excited to see how this plays out when I drive my friend to pickup her satan wedding dress.
Me: This lingerie you bought me is super uncomfortable
BF: That’s a mosquito net I got for our camping trip
the sky opens up and meteors begin crashing into the earth. dust and debris fly everywhere. “SORRY EVERYONE” this is obviously my fault. of course the apocalypse would happen today. i just had to wear my brand new white pants
It isn’t until your kids start talking back that you realize dogs would’ve been a better option.
I was sitting there getting my hair cut, when a spider ran across the floor.
And that’s how you accidentally get bangs.
A couple: *kissing in public*
Me: *perched in a nearby tree* Booooo
My Quarantine Routine:
8:30 get woken up by dogs
8:40 let dogs out
8:52 let dogs in
11:51 let dogs out
12:20 let dogs in
4:47 let dogs out
4:59 let dogs in
7:14 let dogs out
7:38 let dogs in
8:16 let dogs out
8:18 let dogs in
10:20 let dogs out
10:25 let dogs in
every tall woman, looking at tall fashion models: okay, but where does she REALLY buy pants?