Imagine the effort it took this dolphin to propose, then the woman he loves does this in front of him? Just awful.
You Might Also Like
Allow me to introduce you to the most ridiculous yet amazing thing you will see this week.
[spelling bee]
Your word is ’embarrassing’
“Oh I don’t mind, you can say it”
No, it’s really ’embarrassing’
“Ok, I promise not to laugh”
Going down to the deli and standing a little too close to the slicer because haircuts are expensive
Sixteen years and 200+ million users ago, we could not have imagined ourselves here. Today, Vimeo is a public company. Thank you to everyone who helped us reach this point. We can’t wait to take Vimeo into the future. #VMEO
Comic 🥺👉👈💗❤️🔥
I believe the main difference is that one will see you later and the other will see you in awhile. I could be wrong, I’m not a zoologist.
I rank my kids by how many chores they do and how much they complain.
My favorite child is the Roomba.
911 OPERATOR: 911 what’s your emergency
ME: ok promise you won’t be mad
SON: [Stood by tree with apple on head] Dad, what ever happened to my three younger brothers?
WILLIAM TELL: [Aiming arrow] ….Chicken pox
birds can make their homes in tall treetops and soar at great heights and pigeons are like no thank you i will commute by foot to home depot
A travel of a thousand miles starts with a solo government-charged full-body cavity search at the airport.
today i imagined a fleetwood mac cover band called meatwood flack and then made my brain apologize
Me and be Jealous?… HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA … Who is McDonald’s and why are you ‘lovin it’?
Papa john’s: order a pizza!
Mama john’s: we have pizza at home
NO I WOULD NOT LIKE TO KNOW WHAT FRUIT MY BODY IS SHAPED LIKE
Me: hey did you buy ‘100 Count Tennis Balls’ from Amazon?
Wife: no
Dog: *pretending to read newspaper*
Hey Dad,
The airport called, if you don’t
turn down your TV, they’re filing
a complaint.
I’m not doing the london marathon today but I reckon if I start training now and eat more healthily, next year I should be able to watch a whole one.
“What do you see in him?”
– me to the x-ray tech imaging my kid
Mom was a minute late serving dinner. Again. I nearly starved.
~dog’s log, August 2nd, 2021
What’s the best way to dispose of a dead body? Was asking for a friend, but he was being a whiny shit about it, so now I’m asking for me.
Who said “do something each day that scares you?” I need them to explain to my wife how I got a shark pregnant
Men’s 3-in-1 soap is for your hair, body, and car.
ANGEL: the humans need a model for how they should treat you…
GOD: [creates dog]
ANGEL: …and for how they actually do
GOD: [creates cat]
I just shook my keyboard upside down. Breakfast is served.
Not to get too technical, but chemistry says alcohol IS a solution. So I win.
I need all your thoughts and prayers, I’m fine, but my niece is staying with us and I forgot how many questions a 9 year old asks
Order food
Hear driver
Get into position
Doorbell
Pause for three seconds
Open and act surprised!
Car wash vacuums can suck up old french fries, leaves, 57 cents, car keys, Ray-Bans, your first born but not that weird debris stuck in your cupholder.