[first date]
me: so, what’s your biggest fear?
her: snakes. i hate snakes
me: (whispering to the mongoose in my vest pocket): she’s the one
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Me: I like sunsets
Son: *squinting* sounds like something a vampire would say
Me:
Son: you’re also very pale
Thanks to a fan for this one!
Its true…
I’m not telling you how to raise your kids, Phil. I’m just saying..fire is dangerous and babies can’t juggle.
Love it when moms refer to kids by age in tweets. “6 fell down today”. Wonder if the kids do the opposite at school: “33 is drunk again”.
[visiting hours at prison]
BEAR WIFE: How are you coping?
BEAR: I miss the woods.
BW: The tranquility?
BEAR: No, I really need a shit.
HER: {brings me to bedroom} And this is where the magic happens.
ME: Show me {moves closer}
HER: What do you want me to do to you baby? {moves closer}
ME: {so close that our lips are almost touching} Saw me in half.
pugs look like regular dogs that ran into a door at full speed
Take your girl camping and your relationship will become more in tents.
Not Sorry.
I keep telling my dog that it’s just wind there’s nothing to worry about. He’s not getting it. He just looks at me like bro, if you don’t let me go outside rn and bark at that wind, it’s gonna kill us!
If you skip away from a crime they’ll never suspect you.
The 30 mins before I start my kid’s bedtime routine are the longest 3 hours of my day
My younger brother has a PhD in material engineering, and I do stand up comedy which to be fair is also material engineering
interviewer: why were you fired from your last job?
God: [sweating nervously] ok have you ever heard of humans
You (irrational, cowardly): Don’t panic, but there’s a small fire in the building
Me (stoic, level-headed, brave even): *picks you up and uses you as a battering ram for my hurried escape*
bacon might clog my arteries but it lubricates my soul
Seize the day! by its legs and lock it in chains. Hold a mock trial, find the day guilty. Behead the day. Bury the day in a nameless grave.
Have kids so you can answer questions like, “Are numbers letters?” and “How old was I when I was 3?”
When cannibals fall for one another, that’s chew love
I don’t even check my bank account no more. I just swipe my card and if it’s god’s will money will be debited
I bought a ton of veggies from the farmer’s market and straightaway made some instant noodles cause life is all about balance.
Maybe I have a bunny in my pants, maybe that’s why I’m putting this salad in my pockets, you don’t know me.
For the low, low price of a $25 donation, you too can be totally annoyed by me for several days until you pay another $25 for me to shut up.
The perfect tattoo doesn’t exi…
“What movie?” 🤔
I don’t want to fold that laundry. Maybe I’ll just put this wet load in there with the dry load and no one will notice.
-me, about to break the dryer
My son LOVES dogs and is TERRIFIED of them. Which is EXACTLY how I feel about my WIFE.
wife: Why are there chicken nuggets all over the front yard?
me [whispers] Why are there chicken nuggets all over the front yard?
toddler [whispers] I planted chicken nugget trees
me: He planted chicken nugget trees
Used to think my house was pretty nice until I starting watching HGTV. Now I just walk around depressed about my lack of sliding barn doors & wondering if I can knock down a wall & discover pristine hardwood floors under my carpet…all before I host book club at 6:00pm tomorrow.
Getting high with witches sounds super cool until they start looking at you and whispering about sacrifices.